The Grand Shipping Challenge
by RealityEngineer
Summary: My attempt to ship every single character in Homestuck with another - a total of 559 combinations. WARNING: SPOILERS, EXPLICIT CONTENT, AND CURSING. IF THESE OFFEND YOU, OR YOU AREN'T CAUGHT UP IN HOMESTUCK, *DO. NOT. READ.*
1. Introduction

_**UPDATE**_: With the addition of the pre-scratch Trolls, my number has literally doubled from 253 to 559 possible combinations. But I still refuse to give up. I will do my best for all of you.

**Bold **pairings mean they're finished, as well as the number of what chapter they're located in.

_Italics_ pairings mean they're in progress - the next one in line.  
Underlined pairings mean they're after the italics pairing.

At the beginning of each chapter, it will be rated either **T** for Teen, meaning very light on the romance, **M **for Mature, meaning getting somewhat away from the light stuff, or **E** for Explicit, meaning... well, you know.

I take requests, either by whoever requests first or whatever pairing gets the most requests. I already have two that are slated to be first, but after that, requests will be gladly taken. Note that this list is subject to change on accord of Andrew Hussie, and all rights to all characters, likenesses of characters, locations, etc. all belong to the Hussmeister, I'm just borrowing them.

Also, as a side note, the self shipping will vary greatly in what kind of stuff it is. It CAN be romance (either ancestors or Sprites, in the case of Dave and Jade) or it could be some sort of self exploration bullshit (like philosophical or exploring their feelings. Not like that, pervert. ...well, maybe, we'll see.)

* * *

Cherubs / Cherubs

Cherubs / Karkat Vantas

Cherubs / Kankri Vantas

Cherubs / Aradia Megido

Cherubs / Damara Megido

Cherubs / Tavros Nitram

Cherubs / Rufioh Nitram

Cherubs / Sollux Captor

Cherubs / Mituna Captor

**Cherubs / Nepeta Leijon (Chapter Three: A Purrfect Encounter)**

Cherubs / Meulin Leijon

Cherubs / Kanaya Maryam

Cherubs / Porrim Maryam

Cherubs / Terezi Pyrope

Cherubs / Latula Pyrope

Cherubs / Vriska Serket

Cherubs / Aranea Serket

Cherubs / Equius Zahhak

Cherubs / Horrus Zahhak

Cherubs / Gamzee Makara

Cherubs / Kurloz Makara

Cherubs / Eridan Ampora

Cherubs / Cronus Ampora

Cherubs / Feferi Peixes

Cherubs / Meenah Peixes

Cherubs / John Egbert

Cherubs / Jake English

Cherubs / Dave Strider

**Cherubs / Dirk Strider (Chapter Six: A Game) **

Cherubs / Rose Lalonde

**Cherubs / Roxy Lalonde (Chapter Eleven: Umbral Seclusion)**

Cherubs / Jade Harley

Cherubs / Jane Crocker

* * *

Karkat Vantas / Kankri Vantas

Karkat Vantas / Aradia Megido

Karkat Vantas / Damara Megido

Karkat Vantas / Tavros Nitram

Karkat Vantas / Rufioh Nitram

Karkat Vantas / Sollux Captor

Karkat Vantas / Mituna Captor

Karkat Vantas / Nepeta Leijon

Karkat Vantas / Meulin Leijon

Karkat Vantas / Kanaya Maryam

Karkat Vantas / Porrim Maryam

Karkat Vantas / Terezi Pyrope

Karkat Vantas / Latula Pyrope

**Karkat Vantas / Vriska Serket (Chapter Seven: The Culling; Part One)**

Karkat Vantas / Aranea Serket

Karkat Vantas / Equius Zahhak

Karkat Vantas / Horrus Zahhak

Karkat Vantas / Gamzee Makara

Karkat Vantas / Kurloz Makara

Karkat Vantas / Eridan Ampora

Karkat Vantas / Cronus Ampora

Karkat Vantas / Feferi Peixes

Karkat Vantas / Meenah Peixes

Karkat Vantas / John Egbert

Karkat Vantas / Jake English

**Karkat Vantas / Dave Strider (Chapter One: Blood Red Eyes)**

Karkat Vantas / Dirk Strider

Karkat Vantas / Rose Lalonde

Karkat Vantas / Roxy Lalonde

**Karkat Vantas / Jade Harley (Chapter Five: Shouldn't)**

Karkat Vantas / Jane Crocker

* * *

Kankri Vantas / Aradia Megido

Kankri Vantas / Damara Megido

Kankri Vantas / Tavros Nitram

Kankri Vantas / Rufioh Nitram

Kankri Vantas / Sollux Captor

Kankri Vantas / Mituna Captor

Kankri Vantas / Nepeta Leijon

Kankri Vantas / Meulin Leijon

Kankri Vantas / Kanaya Maryam

Kankri Vantas / Porrim Maryam

Kankri Vantas / Terezi Pyrope

Kankri Vantas / Latula Pyrope

Kankri Vantas / Vriska Serket

Kankri Vantas / Aranea Serket

Kankri Vantas / Equius Zahhak

Kankri Vantas / Horrus Zahhak

Kankri Vantas / Gamzee Makara

Kankri Vantas / Kurloz Makara

Kankri Vantas / Eridan Ampora

Kankri Vantas / Cronus Ampora

Kankri Vantas / Feferi Peixes

Kankri Vantas / Meenah Peixes

Kankri Vantas / John Egbert

Kankri Vantas / Jake English

Kankri Vantas / Dave Strider

Kankri Vantas / Dirk Strider

Kankri Vantas / Rose Lalonde

Kankri Vantas / Roxy Lalonde

Kankri Vantas / Jade Harley

Kankri Vantas / Jane Crocker

* * *

Aradia Megido / Damara Megido

Aradia Megido / Tavros Nitram

Aradia Megido / Rufioh Nitram

Aradia Megido / Sollux Captor

Aradia Megido / Mituna Captor

Aradia Megido / Nepeta Leijon

Aradia Megido / Meulin Leijon

Aradia Megido / Kanaya Maryam

Aradia Megido / Terezi Pyrope

Aradia Megido / Latula Pyrope

Aradia Megido / Vriska Serket

Aradia Megido / Aranea Serket

Aradia Megido / Equius Zahhak

Aradia Megido / Horrus Zahhak

Aradia Megido / Gamzee Makara

Aradia Megido / Kurloz Makara

Aradia Megido / Eridan Ampora

Aradia Megido / Cronus Ampora

Aradia Megido / Feferi Peixes

Aradia Megido / Meenah Peixes

Aradia Megido / John Egbert

Aradia Megido / Jake English

Aradia Megido / Dave Strider

Aradia Megido / Dirk Strider

Aradia Megido / Rose Lalonde

Aradia Megido / Roxy Lalonde

Aradia Megido / Jade Harley

Aradia Megido / Jane Crocker

* * *

Damara Megido / Tavros Nitram

Damara Megido / Rufioh Nitram

Damara Megido / Sollux Captor

Damara Megido / Mituna Captor

Damara Megido / Nepeta Leijon

Damara Megido / Meulin Leijon

Damara Megido / Kanaya Maryam

Damara Megido / Porrim Maryam

Damara Megido / Terezi Pyrope

Damara Megido / Latula Pyrope

Damara Megido / Vriska Serket

Damara Megido / Aranea Serket

Damara Megido / Equius Zahhak

Damara Megido / Horrus Zahhak

Damara Megido / Gamzee Makara

Damara Megido / Kurloz Makara

Damara Megido / Eridan Ampora

**Damara Megido / Cronus Ampora (Chapter Thirteen: The Great Lusus Heist)**

Damara Megido / Feferi Peixes

Damara Megido / Meenah Peixes

Damara Megido / John Egbert

Damara Megido / Jake English

Damara Megido / Dave Strider

Damara Megido / Dirk Strider

Damara Megido / Rose Lalonde

Damara Megido / Roxy Lalonde

Damara Megido / Jade Harley

Damara Megido / Jane Crocker

* * *

Tavros Nitram / Rufioh Nitram

Tavros Nitram / Sollux Captor

Tavros Nitram / Mituna Captor

Tavros Nitram / Nepeta Leijon

Tavros Nitram / Meulin Leijon

Tavros Nitram / Kanaya Maryam

Tavros Nitram / Porrim Maryam

Tavros Nitram / Terezi Pyrope

Tavros Nitram / Latula Pyrope

**Tavros Nitram / Vriska Serket (Chapter Eight: The Culling; Part Two)**

Tavros Nitram / Aranea Serket

Tavros Nitram / Equius Zahhak

Tavros Nitram / Horrus Zahhak

Tavros Nitram / Gamzee Makara

Tavros Nitram / Kurloz Makara

Tavros Nitram / Eridan Ampora

Tavros Nitram / Cronus Ampora

Tavros Nitram / Feferi Peixes

Tavros Nitram / Meenah Peixes

Tavros Nitram / John Egbert

Tavros Nitram / Jake English

Tavros Nitram / Rose Lalonde

Tavros Nitram / Roxy Lalonde

Tavros Nitram / Jade Harley

Tavros Nitram / Jane Crocker

* * *

Rufioh Nitram / Sollux Captor

Rufioh Nitram / Mituna Captor

Rufioh Nitram / Nepeta Leijon

Rufioh Nitram / Meulin Leijon

Rufioh Nitram / Kanaya Maryam

Rufioh Nitram / Porrim Maryam

Rufioh Nitram / Terezi Pyrope

Rufioh Nitram / Latula Pyrope

Rufioh Nitram / Vriska Serket

Rufioh Nitram / Aranea Serket

Rufioh Nitram / Equius Zahhak

Rufioh Nitram / Horrus Zahhak

Rufioh Nitram / Gamzee Makara

Rufioh Nitram / Kurloz Makara

Rufioh Nitram / Eridan Ampora

Rufioh Nitram / Cronus Ampora

Rufioh Nitram / Feferi Peixes

Rufioh Nitram / Meenah Peixes

Rufioh Nitram / John Egbert

Rufioh Nitram / Jake English

Rufioh Nitram / Dave Strider

Rufioh Nitram / Dirk Strider

Rufioh Nitram / Rose Lalonde

Rufioh Nitram / Roxy Lalonde

Rufioh Nitram / Jade Harley

Rufioh Nitram / Jane Crocker

* * *

Sollux Captor / Mituna Captor

Sollux Captor / Nepeta Leijon

Sollux Captor / Meulin Leijon

Sollux Captor / Kanaya Maryam

Sollux Captor / Porrim Maryam

Sollux Captor / Terezi Pyrope

Sollux Captor / Latula Pyrope

Sollux Captor / Vriska Serket

Sollux Captor / Aranea Serket

Sollux Captor / Equius Zahhak

Sollux Captor / Horrus Zahhak

Sollux Captor / Gamzee Makara

Sollux Captor / Kurloz Makara

Sollux Captor / Eridan Ampora

Sollux Captor / Cronus Ampora

Sollux Captor / Feferi Peixes

Sollux Captor / Meenah Peixes

Sollux Captor / John Egbert

Sollux Captor / Jake English

Sollux Captor / Dave Strider

Sollux Captor / Dirk Strider

Sollux Captor / Rose Lalonde

Sollux Captor / Roxy Lalonde

Sollux Captor / Jade Harley

Sollux Captor / Jane Crocker

* * *

Mituna Captor / Nepeta Leijon

Mituna Captor / Meulin Leijon

Mituna Captor / Kanaya Maryam

Mituna Captor / Porrim Maryam

Mituna Captor / Terezi Pyrope

**Mituna Captor / Latula Pyrope (Chapter Nine: Gmrz)**

Mituna Captor / Vriska Serket

Mituna Captor / Aranea Serket

Mituna Captor / Equius Zahhak

Mituna Captor / Horrus Zahhak

Mituna Captor / Gamzee Makara

Mituna Captor / Kurloz Makara

Mituna Captor / Eridan Ampora

Mituna Captor / Cronus Ampora

Mituna Captor / Feferi Peixes

Mituna Captor / Meenah Peixes

Mituna Captor / John Egbert

Mituna Captor / Jake English

Mituna Captor / Dave Strider

Mituna Captor / Dirk Strider

Mituna Captor / Rose Lalonde

Mituna Captor / Roxy Lalonde

Mituna Captor / Jade Harley

Mituna Captor / Jane Crocker

* * *

**Nepeta Leijon / Meulin Leijon (Chapter Sixteen: KidNEPped)**

Nepeta Leijon / Kanaya Maryam

Nepeta Leijon / Porrim Maryam

Nepeta Leijon / Terezi Pyrope

Nepeta Leijon / Latula Pyrope

Nepeta Leijon / Vriska Serket

Nepeta Leijon / Aranea Serket

Nepeta Leijon / Equius Zahhak

Nepeta Leijon / Horrus Zahhak

Nepeta Leijon / Gamzee Makara

Nepeta Leijon / Kurloz Makara

Nepeta Leijon / Eridan Ampora

Nepeta Leijon / Cronus Ampora

Nepeta Leijon / Feferi Peixes

Nepeta Leijon / Meenah Peixes

Nepeta Leijon / John Egbert

Nepeta Leijon / Jake English

Nepeta Leijon / Dave Strider

Nepeta Leijon / Dirk Strider

**Nepeta Leijon / Rose Lalonde (Chapter Fourteen: Skaia High; Part Two)**

Nepeta Leijon / Roxy Lalonde

Nepeta Leijon / Jade Harley

Nepeta Leijon / Jane Crocker

* * *

Meulin Leijon / Kanaya Maryam

Meulin Leijon / Porrim Maryam

Meulin Leijon / Terezi Pyrope

Meulin Leijon / Latula Pyrope

Meulin Leijon / Vriska Serket

Meulin Leijon / Aranea Serket

Meulin Leijon / Equius Zahhak

Meulin Leijon / Horrus Zahhak

Meulin Leijon / Gamzee Makara

Meulin Leijon / Kurloz Makara

Meulin Leijon / Eridan Ampora

Meulin Leijon / Cronus Ampora

Meulin Leijon / Feferi Peixes

Meulin Leijon / Meenah Peixes

Meulin Leijon / John Egbert

Meulin Leijon / Jake English

Meulin Leijon / Dave Strider

Meulin Leijon / Dirk Strider

Meulin Leijon / Rose Lalonde

Meulin Leijon / Roxy Lalonde

Meulin Leijon / Jade Harley

Meulin Leijon / Jane Crocker

* * *

Kanaya Maryam / Porrim Maryam

Kanaya Maryam / Terezi Pyrope

Kanaya Maryam / Latula Pyrope

Kanaya Maryam / Vriska Serket

Kanaya Maryam / Aranea Serket

Kanaya Maryam / Equius Zahhak

Kanaya Maryam / Horrus Zahhak

Kanaya Maryam / Gamzee Makara

Kanaya Maryam / Kurloz Makara

Kanaya Maryam / Eridan Ampora

Kanaya Maryam / Cronus Ampora

Kanaya Maryam / Feferi Peixes

Kanaya Maryam / Meenah Peixes

Kanaya Maryam / John Egbert

Kanaya Maryam / Jake English

Kanaya Maryam / Dave Strider

Kanaya Maryam / Dirk Strider

Kanaya Maryam / Rose Lalonde

Kanaya Maryam / Roxy Lalonde

Kanaya Maryam / Jade Harley

Kanaya Maryam / Jane Crocker

* * *

Porrim Maryam / Terezi Pyrope

Porrim Maryam / Latula Pyrope

Porrim Maryam / Vriska Serket

Porrim Maryam / Aranea Serket

Porrim Maryam / Equius Zahhak

Porrim Maryam / Horrus Zahhak

Porrim Maryam / Gamzee Makara

Porrim Maryam / Kurloz Makara

Porrim Maryam / Eridan Ampora

Porrim Maryam / Cronus Ampora

Porrim Maryam / Feferi Peixes

Porrim Maryam / Meenah Peixes

Porrim Maryam / John Egbert

Porrim Maryam / Jake English

Porrim Maryam / Dave Strider

Porrim Maryam / Dirk Strider

Porrim Maryam / Rose Lalonde

Porrim Maryam / Roxy Lalonde

Porrim Maryam / Jade Harley

Porrim Maryam / Jane Crocker

* * *

Terezi Pyrope / Latula Pyrope

Terezi Pyrope / Vriska Serket

Terezi Pyrope / Aranea Serket

Terezi Pyrope / Equius Zahhak

Terezi Pyrope / Horrus Zahhak

Terezi Pyrope / Gamzee Makara

**Terezi Pyrope / Kurloz Makara (Chapter Fifteen: The Clown)**

Terezi Pyrope / Eridan Ampora

Terezi Pyrope / Cronus Ampora

Terezi Pyrope / Feferi Peixes

Terezi Pyrope / Meenah Peixes

Terezi Pyrope / John Egbert

Terezi Pyrope / Jake English

Terezi Pyrope / Dave Strider

Terezi Pyrope / Dirk Strider

Terezi Pyrope / Rose Lalonde

Terezi Pyrope / Roxy Lalonde

Terezi Pyrope / Jade Harley

Terezi Pyrope / Jane Crocker

* * *

Latula Pyrope / Vriska Serket

Latula Pyrope / Aranea Serket

Latula Pyrope / Equius Zahhak

Latula Pyrope / Horrus Zahhak

Latula Pyrope / Gamzee Makara

Latula Pyrope / Kurloz Makara

Latula Pyrope / Eridan Ampora

Latula Pyrope / Cronus Ampora

Latula Pyrope / Feferi Peixes

Latula Pyrope / Meenah Peixes

Latula Pyrope / John Egbert

Latula Pyrope / Jake English

Latula Pyrope / Dave Strider

Latula Pyrope / Dirk Strider

Latula Pyrope / Rose Lalonde

Latula Pyrope / Roxy Lalonde

Latula Pyrope / Jade Harley

Latula Pyrope / Jane Crocker

* * *

Vriska Serket / Aranea Serket

Vriska Serket / Equius Zahhak

Vriska Serket / Horrus Zahhak

Vriska Serket / Gamzee Makara

Vriska Serket / Kurloz Makara

Vriska Serket / Eridan Ampora

Vriska Serket / Cronus Ampora

Vriska Serket / Feferi Peixes

Vriska Serket / Meenah Peixes

Vriska Serket / John Egbert

Vriska Serket / Jake English

Vriska Serket / Dave Strider

Vriska Serket / Dirk Strider

Vriska Serket / Rose Lalonde

Vriska Serket / Roxy Lalonde

Vriska Serket / Jade Harley

Vriska Serket / Jane Crocker

* * *

Aranea Serket / Equius Zahhak

Aranea Serket / Horrus Zahhak

Aranea Serket / Gamzee Makara

Aranea Serket / Kurloz Makara

Aranea Serket / Eridan Ampora

Aranea Serket / Cronus Ampora

Aranea Serket / Feferi Peixes

Aranea Serket / Meenah Peixes

Aranea Serket / John Egbert

Aranea Serket / Jake English

Aranea Serket / Dave Strider

Aranea Serket / Dirk Strider

Aranea Serket / Rose Lalonde

Aranea Serket / Roxy Lalonde

Aranea Serket / Jade Harley

Aranea Serket / Jane Crocker

* * *

Equius Zahhak / Horrus Zahhak

Equius Zahhak / Gamzee Makara

Equius Zahhak / Kurloz Makara

Equius Zahhak / Eridan Ampora

Equius Zahhak / Cronus Ampora

Equius Zahhak / Feferi Peixes

Equius Zahhak / Meenah Peixes

Equius Zahhak / John Egbert

Equius Zahhak / Jake English

Equius Zahhak / Dave Strider

Equius Zahhak / Dirk Strider

Equius Zahhak / Rose Lalonde

Equius Zahhak / Roxy Lalonde

**Equius Zahhak / Jade Harley (Chapter Twelve: Skaia High; Part One)**

Equius Zahhak / Jane Crocker

* * *

Horrus Zahhak / Gamzee Makara

Horrus Zahhak / Kurloz Makara

Horrus Zahhak / Eridan Ampora

Horrus Zahhak / Cronus Ampora

Horrus Zahhak / Feferi Peixes

**Horrus Zahhak / Meenah Peixes (Chapter Ten: Seahorsing Around)**

Horrus Zahhak / John Egbert

Horrus Zahhak / Jake English

Horrus Zahhak / Dave Strider

Horrus Zahhak / Dirk Strider

Horrus Zahhak / Rose Lalonde

Horrus Zahhak / Roxy Lalonde

Horrus Zahhak / Jade Harley

Horrus Zahhak / Jane Crocker

* * *

Gamzee Makara / Kurloz Makara

Gamzee Makara / Eridan Ampora

Gamzee Makara / Cronus Ampora

Gamzee Makara / Feferi Peixes

Gamzee Makara / Meenah Peixes

Gamzee Makara / John Egbert

Gamzee Makara / Jake English

Gamzee Makara / Dave Strider

Gamzee Makara / Dirk Strider

Gamzee Makara / Rose Lalonde

Gamzee Makara / Roxy Lalonde

Gamzee Makara / Jade Harley

**Gamzee Makara / Jane Crocker (Chapter Two: Jane: Proceed with Caution)**

* * *

Kurloz Makara / Eridan Ampora

Kurloz Makara / Cronus Ampora

Kurloz Makara / Feferi Peixes

Kurloz Makara / Meenah Peixes

Kurloz Makara / John Egbert

Kurloz Makara / Jake English

Kurloz Makara / Dave Strider

Kurloz Makara / Dirk Strider

Kurloz Makara / Rose Lalonde

Kurloz Makara / Roxy Lalonde

Kurloz Makara / Jade Harley

Kurloz Makara / Jane Crocker

* * *

Eridan Ampora / Cronus Ampora

Eridan Ampora / Feferi Peixes

Eridan Ampora / Meenah Peixes

Eridan Ampora / John Egbert

Eridan Ampora / Jake English

Eridan Ampora / Dave Strider

Eridan Ampora / Dirk Strider

Eridan Ampora / Rose Lalonde

Eridan Ampora / Roxy Lalonde

Eridan Ampora / Jade Harley

Eridan Ampora / Jane Crocker

* * *

Cronus Ampora / Feferi Peixes

Cronus Ampora / Meenah Peixes

Cronus Ampora / John Egbert

Cronus Ampora / Jake English

Cronus Ampora / Dave Strider

Cronus Ampora / Dirk Strider

Cronus Ampora / Rose Lalonde

Cronus Ampora / Roxy Lalonde

Cronus Ampora / Jade Harley

Cronus Ampora / Jane Crocker

* * *

Feferi Peixes / Meenah Peixes

Feferi Peixes / John Egbert

Feferi Peixes / Jake English

Feferi Peixes / Dave Strider

Feferi Peixes / Dirk Strider

Feferi Peixes / Rose Lalonde

Feferi Peixes / Roxy Lalonde

Feferi Peixes / Jade Harley

Feferi Peixes / Jane Crocker

* * *

Meenah Peixes / John Egbert

Meenah Peixes / Jake English

Meenah Peixes / Dave Strider

Meenah Peixes / Dirk Strider

Meenah Peixes / Rose Lalonde

Meenah Peixes / Roxy Lalonde

Meenah Peixes / Jade Harley

Meenah Peixes / Jane Crocker

* * *

John Egbert / Jake English

John Egbert / Dave Strider

John Egbert / Dirk Strider

**John Egbert / Rose Lalonde (Chapter Four: Not Even in My Dreams)**

John Egbert / Roxy Lalonde

John Egbert / Jade Harley

John Egbert / Jane Crocker

* * *

Jake English / Dave Strider

Jake English / Dirk Strider

Jake English / Rose Lalonde

Jake English / Roxy Lalonde

Jake English / Jade Harley

Jake English / Jane Crocker

* * *

Dave Strider / Dirk Strider

Dave Strider / Rose Lalonde

Dave Strider / Roxy Lalonde

Dave Strider / Jade Harley

Dave Strider / Jane Crocker

* * *

Dirk Strider / Rose Lalonde

Dirk Strider / Roxy Lalonde

Dirk Strider / Jade Harley

Dirk Strider / Jane Crocker

* * *

Rose Lalonde / Roxy Lalonde

Rose Lalonde / Jade Harley

Rose Lalonde / Jane Crocker

* * *

Roxy Lalonde / Jade Harley

Roxy Lalonde / Jane Crocker

* * *

Jade Harley / Jane Crocker


	2. Chapter One: Blood Red Eyes

**Chapter One**

_Blood Red Eyes_

_Karkat Vantas / Dave Strider_

Dave entered the room and glanced around. Rose had left her book open and she and Kanaya had snuck off somewhere. They seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Figures. Karkat had stuck around and was facing away from the door, fidgeting with something.

"Yo, nubs," Dave called. Karkat cried out, throwing whatever he was messing with under his pillow. "Seen Terezi or the mayor?"

"No! And don't fuckin' sneak up on people like that! What do you want Terezi and the mayor for?"

"Uh, I don't know, I'm like the secretary of Can Town or some shit. Mayorally appointed."

"Is mayorally even a word?" Dave shrugged and pointed at the pillow.

"What were you messing with?"

"Nothing. It's none of your business. Go away." Dave stepped closer and Karkat jumped onto the pillow. Dave gave him a look that could be read from behind his glasses. _Are we going to go through this every time?_ "It's my shit and I deserve some privacy!"

"Yeah right." Dave threw him out of the way and reached under the pillow and pulled out a book. "Oh, it's one of your romfics? That's nothing new." He grimaced at the cover. "With your weird three-way troll relationships. What's the title?"

"It's 'Douchebags With Sunglasses Give the Troll Back His Book'."

"Sounds like fiction to me," Dave grinned.

"Give it back!"

"Why? I'm sure it's steamy, but that's not so bad." He flipped it open. "Whoa, hey, you grafitti'd all over in it. Wait." Karkat lunged and Dave sidestepped without looking away from the book. "You replaced some of the names with, what, names of people we know? The first chapter is about Rose and John?" He glanced at the troll. "What kind of shit is this?"

"It's nothing!"

"Jeez, something I'd expect more out of Nepeta. Huh. You got most of the human anatomy right. Except it ain't called a 'bulge' to us." He chuckled and Karkat lunged again. "Why are you so insistent? What's in this thing that I can't read?" He began flipping through pages. "Terezi and Vriska, Kanaya and Rose and John... Squarewave and Maplehoof? You're fuckin' sick, man."

"GIVE IT-"

"Oh. OH. Now I see why you didn't want me reading. 'Dave's lips caressed the troll's neck as his hands made his way to his waist. "Oh gog, Karkat," he said and'-"

"STOP READING MY SHIT!" Karkat managed to connect a successful tackle and knock Dave to the ground.

"Agh, fuck!" Karkat knocked Dave's glasses to the ground and pinned him by his shoulders. The two froze, both locked onto each other's blood red eyes.

"Y-your eyes..." Karkat muttered.

"So are yours," Dave replied. The two were silent for a moment. Upon later recollection, each would blame each other, but slowly, the two leaned in and kissed softly. After a few moments, Karkat pulled back.

"I- I don't- what are we-?"

"Sloppy human-troll makeouts," Dave replied, pulling him back into the kiss. Karkat resisted for a brief moment before returning the kiss, more passionately this time, Karkat's hands resting on Dave's shoulders as Dave's moved to Karkat's hips.

"Oh, gog, Karkat," Dave grinned.

"Fuck you, Strider," Karkat panted, kissing harder. Dave rolled so that he had Karkat pinned as his lips moved down the troll's neck. Karkat looked away, flushing and gritting his teeth in the terrible realization of just how badly he wanted the thing he tried to prevent so often.

Finally, Dave stopped and chuckled, shaking his head and putting on his glasses.

"What? Why'd you stop?"

"An audience." Karkat froze and turned to see Kanaya frozen in place, eyes wide, Rose grinning, and Terezi sniffing and licking the air desperately to see what had taken place.

"What? What is it, what are we looking at?" Terezi demanded. "I smell Dave and Karkat."

"Oh, nothing, Terezi," Rose chuckled. "Don't worry about it."

"Kanaya, what is it?" the blind troll begged.

"I don't- What-?" Rose just laughed, leading the two towards the exit.

"Hurry up, if you would," Rose told them, "I need to work on our biography and this is the best room to write in." She held up a green tome labeled R.L. and left the room.

"What just happened?" Karkat demanded.

"Shut up," Dave replied, silencing him with another kiss. "She told us to hurry up. Let's get to it, then."

/

**Author's Note: And that's chapter one. :3 That means we're one two-hundred-and-fifty-thirds through the challenge. Whee! Remember to review and leave suggestions for the next chapter, or simply to beg me to write more of this one. I'll continue any one-shot you like enough.  
Also, I'll update rather sporadically, sometimes updating daily, sometimes three times a day, sometimes once a week. Never know, busy guy. :D**


	3. Chapter Two: Jane: Proceed with Caution

**Chapter 2**

_[S] Jane: Cautiously Approach_

_Gamzee Makara / Jane Crocker_

_**Author's Note: So, yeah, a lot of cursing, a pretty graphic scene, and some stupid Choose Your Own Adventure B.S., AND in Second Person. What the hell did I write? I kind of hate myself for it.**_

_**I'm thinking about doing some more of it later on, except less confusing and more not stupid (primarily less Gamzee). Also, if you want to skip ahead to where it tells you to go, simply use Ctrl+F and type in Chapter 2whateverletternumbercombo and it'll take you straight there. Easy as motherfuckin sopor pie, yo.**_

_**Review? :oD**_

A friendly clown welcomes you to LOCAH. It seems he would like to be your guide. Would you like to let him be your guide?

NO [Proceed to **Chapter 2a**]

FUCK NO [Proceed to **Chapter** **2a**]

[**Chapter 2a**]

You cautiously approach your new guide. Wait, you said you didn't want him to be your guide?The friendly clown strongly advises you to reconsider. (You do not reconsider.)

You ask him who he is, but he maintains his cryptic, serene expression in perfect silence. You give some though to sliding away from the awkward encounter and go inside, when the clown finally speaks up.

He wants to know if you want to buy these motherfuckin potions.

You examine the clown's wares with due skepticism. He assures you that all of these wicked elixers are motherfuckin magic and all that. The clown sure likes to say motherfuck a lot. It's kind of making you uneasy, yet, in a strange way, attracted to his aloofness.

Examine the Friendly Clown

The first question that pops into your head while examining this fellow of course is, where did he get that outrageous outfit? You don't really have the gumption to ask, but if you had to take a wild guess, you are almost certain the answer would be hand-waved away with the word "shenanigans." See, look? He is waving his hand preemptively, as if reading your mind. Truly, this clown is wise.

[**Potion Registry**]

Examine the Bronze Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2b**]

Examine the Fuschia Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2c**]

Examine the Indigo Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2d**]

Examine the Olive Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2e**]

Examine the Violet Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2f**]

Examine the Cobalt Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2g**]

Examine the Gold Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2h**]

Examine the Mysterious Potion (? Boondollars) [Proceed to **Chapter 2i**]

[**Chapter 2b**]

The clown says one sip of this potion will cause you to lose the use of your legs. HOWEVER, you will become an EXCELLENT kisser. A trade that is more than motherfuckin fair, he says. Personally, you think someone would have to be suicidal to drink that heinous brown liquid.

Buy Bronze Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2b1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2b2**]

[**Chapter 2b1**]

You buy 1 BRONZE POTION. It's like a brown nightmare in a bottle. When the clown isn't looking, you chuck it over the side of your house-cliff.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2b2**]

Absolutely not. The clown appears crestfallen, then counters with another offer: buy one bottle, get one free! You scowl at him as if he is quite mad. He gets the picture. You're not interested. He then gives you a few bottles of the stuff and says he'll just put it on your tab, no worries. ;o)

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2c**]

This lovely looking potion is supposed to have powerful healing properties. A must-have in the inventory in an up and coming Maid of Life.

Buy Fuschia Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2c1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2c2**]

[**Chapter 2c1**]

You acquiesce to a single FUSCHIA POTION. Yippee. Pointless pink slop.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2c2**]

You don't want it. But the clown REALLY thinks you should take at least one of these handy elixirs. He won't take no for an answer. You say fine and buy a few just to shut him up.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2d**]

He says this potion will make you STRONG. You guess it would probably be pretty handy to be STRONG. Except that it's probably bullshit and the potion probably doesn't do that at all.

Buy Indigo Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2d1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2d1**]

[**Chapter 2d1**]

You buy an INDIGO POTION and shrug. Now THERE'S something you won't be drinking anytime soon.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2d2**]

He looks taken aback that you would refuse such a valuable commodity. He says no, you gotta buy this motherfuckin shit. It's the hottest noise since a big tittied ninja. Ok, whatever you say, clown, here's your stupid Boondollars. He gives you like 50 of these things. Jesus Christ.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2e**]

This gross looking pea soup elixir is touted as a powerful love potion! Just sneak a few drops into the beverage of your object of affection, and he or she will fall head over heels for you. Literally, in the event that your sweetheart-to-be is decapitated. You are very wary of this claim, of course, but... you guess it couldn't hurt to have ONE bottle on hand.

Buy Olive Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2e1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2e2**]

[**Chapter 2e1**]

You buy 1 OLIVE POTION. Ugh, this stuff looks nasty. You are going to have to sneak it into an especially strong drink if you don't want Jake to notice. Wait, did you say Jake? You mean of course hypothetically any person you would give this to, strictly in the name of science. Uh. Yeah. This conversation is over!

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2e2**]

You refuse, but the clown spots the look of longing in your eye, and knows a lovestruck lady when he sees one. The kind fellow gives you 1 OLIVE POTION on the house. You blush a little and say thank you.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2f**]

This potion is to be imbibed by anyone who wants to exhibit unabated lust for all he or she encounters, as well as to behave like more of a douchebag. You wonder why anyone would want that. He gives you a sly wink, and says nothing more. You say no thanks. He asks if you want to buy it anyway.

Buy the Violet Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2f1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2f2**]

[**Chapter 2f1**]

You snap up a VIOLET POTION. Sure, why the hell not. Might as well round out your collection of useless slime.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2f2**]

You ask him if he's flipped his friggin' cod piece. Of course you don't want it. He says, ah, but you must. He insists. He gives you 20 bottles for free. Then he says that will be whatever 420 times 20 boondollars is. You let out a heavy sigh, say fine, and fork over the money.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2g**]

He claims this potion endows the drinker with incredible luck! Then he does a stupid looking jig on your fridge, clicking the heels of his dumb elf shoes. You find that a bit hard to swallow. Not because it's implausible, but because that blue muck is straight up nasty. He doesn't get the joke.

Buy the Cobalt Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2g1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2g2**]

[**Chapter 2g1**]

He tucks another 420 of your hard earned loot into his cavernous codpiece and gives you a bottle of the blue stuff. Good motherfuckin choice, he says. You roll your eyes.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2g2**]

In a motion so swift you don't even follow, he grabs your hand, pushes a bottle of cobalt into your palm, and closes your fingers around it. As you begin to object, he puts his fingers to your lips and whispers shoosh. That'll be 420 motherfuckin boonies, yo.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2h**]

This sickly mustard goo is supposed to make your hacking skills go bananas. Like you would ever care about that. He says not so fast though, for its benefits are TWOFOLD. It also makes a killer substitute for grub sauce in a pinch.

Buy the Gold Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2h1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2h2**]

[**Chapter 2h1**]

Whatever. You buy one, flip the clown another cool 420. You wonder why they're all that price? What's the deal with that number, anyway? Poor, naïve Jane. You have no idea that number culturally means SMOKIN WEED, and how stoners think it's funny. You are a smart girl, but there are some things you don't understand, and that makes you more endearing.

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2h2**]

You tell this clown to take a long walk off a short cliff. He pretends not to hear you and restates his offer. You are getting kind of fed up with this idiot so you purchase yet more useless bottles of liquid. Are we done here bro?

[Backtrack to **Potion Registry**]

[**Chapter 2i**]

The potion is full of lime green and red liquid. You ask what it does and the clown simply grins and tells you that you can sample one, free of charge. Plus 420 boondollars.

Sample the Mysterious Potion?

Yes [Proceed to **Chapter 2i1**]

No [Proceed to **Chapter 2i2**]

[**Chapter 2i1**]

You decide it can't hurt – or at least, not that much. You take a swig and immediately feel your head start to spin. The last thing you see before you black out is the clown's huge grin, his ridiculous outfit, and that enormous, transfixing codpiece...

... [Proceed to **Chapter 2j**]

[**Chapter 2i2**]

You tell the clown no, but he frowns and insists that it's FREE. He pushes several bottles into your arms and tells you if you drink at least one of the three bottles, he won't charge you for any additional bottles you may choose to buy – discounting the first three. You give up and take a drink, immediately feeling your head start to spin. The last thing you see before you black out is the clown's huge grin, his ridiculous outfit, and that enormous, transfixing codpiece...

... [Proceed to **Chapter 2j**]

[**Chapter 2j**]

You awaken in one of the caves you'd previously explored. There are a few rays of light shining through holes in the ceiling and they're near blinding with the headache you're experiencing. At least, you think it's a headache. What else could it be?

As you look around, shapes begin to shift and clouds of smoke drift through the air. They form shapes of Jake and Dirk and the clown's grinning face. You wipe your eyes but the smoke moves closer, engulfing you in a sweet smelling cloud of purple before you find yourself in a room with the strange clown.

He tells you motherfuckin hey, and you reply in kind, giggling at the way the word "motherfuck" rolls off your tongue. As if reading your mind, he asks if you like the way the word rolls of your tongue, and tells you he has something else that'll roll off your tongue. You agree.

Poor, naïve Jane.

The codpiece comes off and you gasp at what you've only read about on those fanfiction forums before. He gives that goofy grin and you can't help but giggle as you move closer on your hands and knees. His gray hand is soft in your hair – why is his hand gray, anyway? - and you slowly wrap your mouth around his hard member, bobbing up and down. It feels large and clumsy in your mouth, but tastes faintly of... fruit? Some sort of pie, perhaps. You don't know, but you continue moving up and down as his hands guide you.

Finally he pulls off and grins, bending you over the fridge and pulling off your pants. You attempt to scold the naughty clown, but his fingers are probing you where they shouldn't be and you can't feel your head. Not that you could before, but now it's much, much more intoxicating. You lie down and allow him to do as he wishes before he rubs that thick member against you. You frown and tell him you've never done this. He says don't motherfuckin worry, he'll be gentle.

He slides into you and you grunt and moan loud, wincing as he stretches you. He just grins and starts moving in and out. After a few moments your muscles relax (more than they already were) and it feels better. You sigh happily and allow the clown to do as he wishes as you breathe in the smoke and puff out different pictures and giggle.

After a little while, he releases a short grunt and you suddenly feel very full. You frown and turn back at him, scolding him for not warning you earlier and he simply shrugs and grins. You feel very tired again and lie your face against the fridge as you black out.

You jerk awake and look at the clown, who simply grins. You ask what he did and he looks rather offended, saying nothing and shaking his head. You chalk it up to the strange potion having worked its "magic" on you and realize you feel very sore, but satisfied. You take three more just in case and glare at him. He grins.

"honk."


	4. Chapter Three: A PurrFect Encounter

**Chapter Three**

_A Purr-fect Encounter_

_Cherubs (Calliope) / Nepeta Leijon_

Calliope tapped her orange nails over the keyboard lightly, not particularly pressing anything. She sighed; she hadn't had any ideas at all for her fanfiction about the kids lately. She frowned and opened her GREEN TOME.

It detailed all of the things about the kids from the original session of SBURB, several years before Jane, Jake, Dirk, and Roxy – including four kids of very similar namesakes and twelve trolls. She did love reading about the trolls. She thumbed through as the author made witty remarks about each of the twelve, speaking most fondly about a troll named Kanaya Maryam and least fondly about two trolls named Gamzee Makara and Vriska Serket. Vriska seemed mostly misunderstood and sad about her role in troll culture – a topic Calliope had extensively studied – and Gamzee seemed simply too high out of his mind most of the time to care much about anything. Until the incident, of course. It was very vague, but the references to the Subjugglators were enough to give Calliope chills.

She tried to fit herself into their caste system; she had lime blood, so she'd be... between Kanaya and Nepeta Leijon, a troll that acted much like a cat, prowling across the Alternian landscape, hunting game.

She smiled at the happy thoughts, lying her head in her hands and drifting off into a daydream.

* * *

She was in her dream world – her version of Alternia, in which she was Callie Ohpeee. She was in a hive she didn't recognize and slowly got to her feet from the hay "bed" she'd been sleeping on. She stretched and cracked her back as she looked around the hive. It was more a cave than a normal hive, but it was a home nonetheless.

There was a crackling hearth, over which the corpses of hunted animals cooked, filling the room in a rich aroma. There was a Grubtop sitting in one corner, beeping at the noise of incoming messages. The walls were adored with what appeared to be hundreds of symbols with faces inside. Clubs, Spades, Hearts, Diamonds – each with the faces of Nepeta and her twelve friends. Above all others there was a large red heart containing Nepeta and a very short-horned troll kissing.

Callie smiled and dragged her orange fingernails across the wall gently, making sure not to disturb the drawing. Suddenly, there was a noise. Callie spun to see a troll, glaring with deep olive eyes, her recently killed prey dropping from her jaws to reveal bloodstained teeth.

"N-N-N-" Callie sputtered, not able to form the words. The troll's claws came out and she released a savage growl, lunging at the young lime-blooded troll. Callie squealed, dodging out of the way as Nepeta crumpled against the bottom of her precious Shipping Wall.

"What do you want!" she growled. "Get out!"

"P-p-p-p-please!" Callie cried. Nepeta lunged again, slicing against the troll's arm as she dodged. Callie cried out and grabbed her slashed arm, Nepeta growling and looking between her claws and the wounded troll. Nepeta softly sniffed the lime blood on her claws, then stared at the troll, steely glare still transfixed.

"What do you want?" Nepeta repeated.

"J-j-just to talk!" Callie whimpered. Nepeta's eyes still locked with Callie's, she sat back on her haunches.

"What's your name?"

"C-Callie Ohpeee." Nepeta raised an eyebrow. "Three Es in Ohpeee." Nepeta ignored this and moved to a cupboard where she retrieved a roll of gauze.

"Come here, Callie." The lime-blooded troll cautiously did as she was told as Nepeta unrolled some of the gauze and shredded the end with her claws before wrapping it around Callie's wounded arm. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I was afraid you were here to hurt me. A predator can never be too careful." Nepeta gave a grin and the glare behind her eyes slowly dulled into a friendly stare. Callie gave a weak smile and nodded. "So your name is Callie Ohpeee?" Callie nodded. "Strange name. Even by a lime-blood's standards." Callie blushed a soft shade of green.

"Yes, well... I didn't pick it, haha. I sure would feel the fool if I did!" Nepeta cocked her head.

"You have a strange accent."

"It's a Briti-... It's... not from around here." Nepeta nodded and sat by her Grubtop.

"That makes sense. I mean, there aren't a lot of lime-bloods around here at all. So I figure you weren't from here." Callie sat behind her and watched as she typed quickly before turning from her computer. When the two were finally face to face, Callie realized just how attractive Nepeta was. She knew she was feeling some sort of positive feelings – either red or flushed – but she couldn't tell. She wasn't very good at deciphering her daydream feelings, the ones she couldn't feel in real life.

"So, uh," Nepeta started, scratching her neck as she began to flush olive and Callie averted her gaze to the floor. "How did you get in?"

"I, um... don't know? Haha. I just kind of... woke up here." Nepeta frowned and studied Callie, tugging her face up to meet Nepeta's. "Wh-what-what are-?" Nepeta silenced the troll with a kiss and Callie's eyes opened wide, fists clenching at the surprise. Nepeta kissed her and slowly moved back, Callie's lips reluctant to leave them. "Why did... you...?"

"I think I like you," Nepeta said softly. Callie's breath caught in her throat. _I like you too_, she wanted to say, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything except release a little sigh. Nepeta took this as an acceptance and a reply and softly kissed Callie again, deeper this time, sharp little teeth grazing her lip, then neck, then collarbone. Callie's hands ran through Nepeta's black hair, removing her blue cat-hat and softly tracing her fingers along her horns. Nepeta groaned into Callie's neck as she softly ran her claws along the front of Callie's shirt revealing her shapely breasts and three thin scratches along the troll's chest, releasing a light ooze of lime green blood. Nepeta's hands moved to Callie's chest and she sighed, rolling her head back.

She knew the significance of human breasts, as they were mammalian and used them to feed their young. But as creatures that were more akin to insects than mammals, she couldn't figure out why troll females had them. Were they simply vestigial – perhaps some earlier evolutionary state used them before the queen began using the drones to root out the worst genes? Were they for stimulation only? Nepeta's lips and teeth seemed bent on showing Callie THAT possibility was highly probable – perhaps for attracting the best mates on how well they could stimulate them.

These thoughts were racing through Callie's mind, however, for every fleeting thought on the anatomy of trolls were a hundred thoughts screaming, "MATE WITH HER, MATE WITH HER". She didn't understand the hormonal impulse, but she knew she couldn't deny it any longer. She imitated Nepeta's advance, kissing and nibbling the olive-blooded troll's neck and moving along her chest and collarbone, kissing and licking her chest as the two groaned and rolled around on the floor of Nepeta's hive. Then, as quickly as the fleeting, perfect moment had come upon them-

* * *

It had passed, leaving Calliope dazed and confused staring down at her keyboard. Dazed and confused as she was, she began typing furiously, a beautiful new fanfiction idea fresh in her mind.

_**aUthor's note: cheerio! i figUred calliope was too amazing a character to be ignored whilest beginning my joUrney throUgh the ships of homestUck, so i asked myself how i thoUght she woUld write a fanfiction and viola! hope yoU all enjoy and review! i'll continUe writing as qUickly as my inspiration will allow, which, honestly, i'm not sUre at all how qUickly that will be! bUt, Until the next chapter, i bid yoU all adieU~! ^u^**_


	5. Chapter Four: Not Even In My Dreams

**Chapter Four**

_Not Even In My Dreams_

_John Egbert / Rose Lalonde_

_**Author's Note: Haha, it's not that alien. I've written stuff like this before, it's just that my usual prowess is in the more raunchy stuff, even when it's sweet. But it's a refreshing break to write stuff that isn't always so bad, like this! So please enjoy.**_

I never met you. Not even in my dreams. I always wanted to, man... When I fell asleep, I'd hold on to our conversations and wish I could see you, I'd focus on pictures I'd seen of you, so far away in your forest house with your mom. So strange how secluded you always lived, and yet you were still so sociable with us.

When I dreamed, it was movies or harlequins, and later, Prospit. But never you. You were never there, no matter how badly I wanted you, or needed you. When times were getting hard, I was always hoping I'd open my eyes and see you smiling there, that sarcastic snarky grin you wore in your pictures. You'd say something like, "C'mon, sleepyhead, get up – we have a world to save" and I'd follow you to the end of the world, but it never happened. I never woke up and saw you there, you were never there to comfort me and let me comfort you... though you were never the one to be comforted, were you?

No, you were always the one to psychoanalyze us (whatever that means) and help us get through our own problems. You were indirectly there, all the time, helping us through our issues and making us make ourselves better people – but what about you? You always talked about your passive-aggressive mom and your issues with your cat Jasper or whatever, but you never let us in. Never let anyone in. Maybe that's why we're here. Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about – both very probable possibilities.

I keep hoping I'll close my eyes and wake up at home, in bed, that this was all a bad dream. Heck, maybe it still is... I just don't know. It sure seems like a bad dream. People have died – heck, I died once – the horrorterrors, you all... grimdarky. I don't know what all is going on anymore, but it seems like I just keep falling deeper into a bad dream. Maybe if I wake up, things will be okay, and we can meet like I always dreamed we would. Not like this.

Rose... I always wanted to see you. Always. Your pictures held me in the grip of something I'd never felt before. More than friendship, more than just liking you. It was something else altogether. Just seeing you, talking to you; I wanted to meet you so bad. The one time before that I saw you, you were asleep on LOLAR and I was passing through. So little time has passed and yet so much as changed since then. What's become of us? What has the game turned us into?

Jeez, Rose, I thought we were gonna play a relaxing game. SBURB was supposed to be a way I could get closer to you without having to dodge around all that edgy "talking" stuff, we could just play and be happy together, you know? And now what are we? I'm a mythical hero and you're some beast of legend...

Rose. I never met you. Not even in my dreams. But now what's happened? Here we are in the castle of the black king, I'm the Heir of Breath and you're some messenger of the horrorterrors at the edge of the galaxy, following a mission of revenge for something I can't even understand you talking about. Here we are, I can finally see you, finally meet you, finally talk to you and I can't even understand a word you're saying. The saddest part? This is the happiest I've ever been, Rose. I'm so happy to finally meet you.


	6. Chapter Five: Shouldn't

**Chapter Five**

_Shouldn't_

_Karkat Vantas / Jade Harley_

**Author's Note: I'd love to tell you all that I've been working hard on a really cool chapter like the hugely interactive Vriska/Terezi story I plan to make, but I've actually had no inspiration at all for the last few weeks, nor have I had any comments, which I usually view as a sort of "Hey, you should update" counter.**

**So, the first thing I've written in weeks is just really terribly vulgar and descriptive smut. **

**:3**

* * *

Her breath came to her in heavy, panting puffs. Her eyes were half-closed in anticipation, her body heated to the point where she could nearly feel her blood boiling. She gripped his black shirt in her hands as his lips and teeth explored her neck. She could feel every pinprick of his sharpened teeth as they softly broke the surface, leaving little red dots along her jawline and across her shoulders. She was clad only in her white bra and panties with the blue atom logo across them, while he wore only a black shirt and gray boxers over his dark gray skin.

"K-Karkat," she muttered. Her words were lost as his lips met hers and he held her face, kissing her with something between passion and intimacy - between intensity and gentleness. She could feel his breath hot on her skin as he broke the kiss softly. "Karkat..." she muttered again. His eyes met hers. He was still young on his planet - roughly only as old as Jade - and so the ring around his pupil was only just beginning to show. A thin red ring only noticable if you were as close to him as Jade was. "We... we shouldn't..." His expression changed drastically from intense anticipation and pleasure to hurt. "N-no, it's not because I don't like you... I just... I don't know... about this. About us. About if we'll work. About-"

"Shh," he papped her. She blinked. "Shut up."

"What-?"

"Shut up, fuckass." He turned back to kissing her and she fell limp against him as he continued. His hand slid down her back and fumbled with the clasp on her bra. After a few frustrated seconds of not being able to undo it, he groaned and turned her away, undoing the bra. She blushed and her hand went up to cover her breasts as he turned her back around.

"What?" he asked.

"What what?"

"You're covering yourself?"

"Yes? I don't want you to see them." He blinked.

"What?"

"WHAT what?"

"Don't want me to see what?" He reached for her and she recoiled. A mischevious look dawned on his face before he pinned her up against the wall. She let out a gasp, then a soft moan and turned her face away, now beet red, as he examined her body, drinking in every detail. "What are those?" he asked softly.

"D-don't stare," she whimpered. He moved down and softly kissed her nipple and she cooed instinctually from being pleased. "S-stop...!" He knew the tone of her voice meant the exact opposite of what she'd said so instead he began to lick and nibble them softly. She writhed underneath him. She panted and gasped and clawed at his back, finally tearing his shirt off. "You... you don't have them?"

"Have what?" he asked, looking at his bare chest.

"Nipples," she said, blushing at the word. He snorted, then laughed out loud. "What? What's so funny?"

"That stupid fucking word. 'Nipples'? Is that what these are?" She blushed and huffed.

"Yes, as a matter of fact they are!" He tweaked one and she gasped loudly.

"I'll find a better word for them later." He continued nibbling them and she moaned, running her hands along his chest. She took the edge of his boxers in his hands and swallowed before slowly pulling them down. She let out a soft breath. She'd watched "hentai" of some of her favorite animes, but Karkat looked so much better. Thankfully, human and troll anatomy was close enough that he appeared to have the same sort of genitalia that humans did.

"Is it wrong?" he asked.

"N-no. I- I don't think so. I've never been this close to a human guy." Karkat nodded, his face flushing a light pink. She reached out a tentative hand and wrapped it around his length. He let out a soft hissing noise through clenched teeth but didn't make any move of recoil. She slowly moved her hand along his length and he grunted, eyes closing as his breath came in soft, shallow puffs.

"Is this good?" she whispered. He nodded and grunted, stroking her hair and pulling at it lightly. She knew what he wanted, and nervous as she was, she slowly and shakily got onto her knees, opening her mouth and letting her tongue run over his tip. He hissed again, grip on her hair tightening then loosening when she didn't let up. She took a deep breath then looked up at him as she took him into her mouth and throat. He gasped and gripped her head, holding her and her eyes widened when she feared she'd choke. He let go and she pulled off, gasping.

"Do- do you want to stop?" he asked. She didn't respond, but instead tried again at taking him into her mouth all the way. He didn't grab her this time, but his fists simply clenched at his side until his knuckles were white - or at least very light grey. She moved up and down, feeling him thick in her throat as she groaned, making soft noises as she moved, finally pulling off, panting, feeling herself dripping wet now. It wasn't like she hadn't touched herself before, but in the presence of someone else, both of them fully exposed, she felt so out of place.

But she laid back anyway. She moaned and kicked off her panties, her eyes begging him for more. He knelt above her, lips and teeth moving along her chest and sides before he was on all fours on top of her, both of them breathing heavily, lust in their eyes and their breath hot on each others faces.

"We shouldn't," she whispered. Karkat grinned.

"That's why it's so good." She cried out.

* * *

**That's all you're getting, because of the lack of reviews. :P More reviews, better smut (or whatever the chapter may be). **

**More on the way!**


	7. Chapter Six: A Game

**Chapter Six**

_A Game_

_Cherubs (Caliborn) / Dirk Strider_

"HEY DIRK. DO YOu WANT TO PLAY A GAME?"

Dirk groaned and awoke slowly. He'd had enough run ins with the Condesce's minions to recognize chloroform, and a variety of other drugs. This didn't seem right.

His head was pounding and his body was sore. He reached out to his dream self on Derse, finding that, for once in his life, he couldn't awaken it.

"TRYING TO WAKE uP DREAM DIRK? NOT GONNA HAPPEN, COOL GuY." The voice had a strange hitch, as if every soft "U" sound was spit with hatred. "NOW, DO YOu WANT TO PLAY A GAME?"

Dirk finally found that he could move his body again, but the body in question was bruised and battered. Even during an ambush, Squarewave or Sawtooth would've had his back. What was happening?

"Yes," Dirk replied, grimacing at his dry and scratchy voice. "I'll play a game."

"HA. HA. HA. GOOD. YOu MAY EVEN WIN - MINuS MY TWIST AT THE END!" Dirk didn't like the sound of that. "GET uP." Dirk complied.

The room was a dark gray colour and there was a bed - upon which Dirk lay - and a door to the next room. "IF YOu WANT TO SAVE YOuR FRIENDS, PROCEED." Dirk did as he was asked and entered the next room. A glass wall separated him from Roxy.

"Roxy!" he cried, beating on the glass.

"I WOuLDNT DO THAT. SHE'S ASLEEP, AND WHEN SHE WAKES uP..." Dirk saw the mechanism hooked up to her. It was apparent that, if she moved, it would kill her rather quickly and messily.

"Alright, you fuck, fine. This is some Saw shit? What do I do to save her before she wakes up?" A panel opened in the ground and a drawing tablet appeared.

"YOu ARE GOING TO DRAW ME SOME PICTuRES, DIRK. VERY... SMuTTY PICTuRES."

"Alright, yeah, sure. I can do that." He picked up the pen, awaiting instruction.

"DRAW THE ROXY BITCH AND YOuRSELF GIVING A HuMAN... HuG." Dirk paused.

"A hug?"

"IF YOu CAN'T DO IT YOu COuLD JuST WATCH THAT BITCH DIE."

"Alright, jeez." He focused all of his artistic prowess into the hug. The placement of the arms, the pressing bodies. Even a nuzzle. It was vulgar.

"Done," he said. The tablet retracted into the room and the mechanism deactivated.

"VERY GOOD. AND WITH ONLY... THREE SECONDS LEFT." Seconds?! He hadn't realized it was timed. He'd have to be quicker. He moved into the next room where Jane was strewn up in a similar contraption.

"Alright, what do I do to save her?" He asked. A panel opened in the floor. Unsurprisingly, a tablet lifted. "Oh for the love of-"

"DON'T GET SO FRuSTRATED, DAVE."

"Dave?"

"DIRK. I SAID DIRK. DRAW THE ROXY BITCH AND THE JANE BITCH DOING A HuMAN... KISS."

"A kiss? Dude, I draw hentai. This really the whole game, me drawing you stupid softcore porn of my friends?"

"I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE WORD HENTAI. NOW DRAW!" Dirk sighed, putting less effort into this picture but hurrying due to the unseen time constraint.

"Happy?"

"YES. GOOD. NOW, ONE MORE CHAMBER." One more? That would mean-

Dirk sprinted, forcing open the door. Lying on a bed was a green figure in a green jacket.

"What is this?" He circled her. "Do I draw some smut of this skull monster? Actually, it looks really familiar. The weird skull thing."

"SHuT uP. NOW KISS HER."

"Kiss? This thing?"

"JuST DO IT YOu MORON." Dirk grimaced but kissed her.

"Happy?"

"HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. VERY GOOD WORK, DIRK. NOW FOR THE TWIST."

"Oh yeah."

"SEE, A VERSION OF THIS GIRL IS DEAD. THE DREAM SELF."

"Alright?"

"BY KISSING HER, YOu SENT HER REAL SELF TO REVIVE THE DREAM BODY."

"...alright?"

"WHERE I'LL KILL HER AGAIN! HA. HA. HA."

"Can I go home?"

"DO YOu NOT EVEN CARE ABOuT YOuR DEAR FRIEND CALLIOPE?"

"Nah. I just want to go home."

"YOu'RE AS BLOODTHIRSTY AS ME. MAYBE I JuDGED YOu WRONG, DAVE."

"Dirk."

"RIGHT. THAT. PLEASANT DREAMS."

* * *

He awoke in his room with a splitting headache.

"Ugh... what a nightmare." He rolled over and fell back asleep.

**_Author's Note: Sorry, no smut, not even any real romance (unless you count Dirk kissing Calliope as "romance" - after all, Caliborn found it rather vulgar). Here's the deal: Struggling with writer's block, which is sad because I have lots of new fans and followers. Also, I changed "Calliope" to "uu/UU" since they share one body and I'm super lazy and already have to write 253 chapters._**

**_So thank you guys so much for the review, drop me a request or something for the next chapter!_**

**_~_u_**


	8. Chapter Seven: The Culling Part One

**Chapter Seven**

_The Culling; Part One_

_Karkat Vantas / Vriska Serket_

**_All you lucky ducks; I found a little story I'd been writing a while ago, a real smutty thing involving Vriska with two chapters that work real well as a two-part story. ::::D So here it is!_**

It was a day she'd dreaded for quite a while. The Culling. Every two sweeps, female trolls were to find a matesprit and kismesis, providing genetic material for further breeding. Any female who didn't find one of both would be "culled" - cut out of the gene pool, permanently. Any male who didn't fit with two females received the same treatment.

The Culling had arrived and, while she'd talked with her friends, everyone else had found someone. Terezi had Sollux and Karkat, Nepeta had Equius and Gamzee, Kanaya had Gamzee and Sollux, and Feferi, being a sea-dweller and thus granted special privileges, though not totally exempt from the Culling, had Eridan. Unfortunately, that left her in a bind.

One of the only ones not taken - Tavros - would be culled if he didn't provide something. Meaning she was responsible for keeping him alive - though she seriously considered letting the poor fop die.

She sighed, getting on Trollian to clear her mind. Terezi had messaged her. She opened it.

"HOLY SH11111111T, VR1SK4. K4RK4T 4ND SOLLUX JUST H3LP3D M3 F1LL SOM3 BUCK3TS 4ND HO-LY SH1T, H3H3H3H3." She angrily shutt he message off, fuming. She scanned through her online contacts. "carcinoGeneticist" was online.

"You. 8t my house. NOW," she typed before singing off Trollian. Did she just do that? Did she expect HIM to do it? She overreacted and probably didn't even see it. She logged back on. She'd just say she was kidding and- She paused.

"WHY?"

"HELLO? YOU ONLINE?"

"FINE, I'M ON MY FUCKING WAY."

Oh no. Oh _no_. She shut off her grubtop, beginning to hyperventilate. She'd never- well, she hadn't-

What should she wear? Fuck, she was acting so stupid! Focus. What would Marquise do?

She paused. Her diary had said nothing about mating. She had an obvious kismessitude in Dualscar but nothing about the actual MATING. She ran to her closet. Something alluring? Not too slutty. Modest? Don't want to seem prude.

"Fuck!" she groaned, slamming her fist through the closet door. Suddenly, there was a screech and she froze. Her Lusus called out when someone was at the door. She swore, stomping down her long flight of stairs. If she was angry, she wouldn't be embarrassed. All she had to do -

She opened the door and he stood there, moving from leaning against the wall to standing before her and observing her.

"You alright? Something wrong?"

"N-no. I just-" He arched an eyebrow. "Just - a lot of... irons... in the fire... and I figured I could... use some help." He frowned.

"The Culling," he prompted. She flushed blue and nodded. "Are you... you know?"

"What?" He scratched his neck awkwardly.

"Broken in?" Her face flushed a deep shade of sapphire.

"Of course I am! What the hell do you take me for, some kind of prude?"

"Hm." He examined her and she shifted awkwardly. "Stop." He grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her, her eyes wide and making soft "mmf" noises. SHe psuhed back against him. "Karkat! What the hell!" He smiled.

"You're not broken in. I can tell."

"Well- bu- I-" He kissed her again. She considered resisting, but paused, then returned the kiss as he pushed her inside, kicking the door shut. She rested her hands against his chest as he kissed her harder, findign her lips, meshing harder and more passionately, igniting small fires along her body.

"F-fuck," she panted when they broke the kiss. She found Karkat panting heavily. "You okay?"

"Fuckin'... Fuckin' Terezi wore me out." Vriska scowled, grabbing his shirt and biting his lip, causing him to gasp and cry out.

"I'll wear you out like no blind bitch ever could." HE grabbed her and pusehd her up against teh stairs. She gasped as he tore off her pants and he ran his fingers along her horns. "Ohh, fuck..." He slid her panties down, his tongue softly moving up her gray legs, making her squirm. "K-Karkat..." He grinned, sinking his teeth into her thighs and making her cry out, tangling her fingers in his hair as his tongue moved up further.

"Beg," he commanded. It wasn't fair. SHE was in charge. SHE was the dominant one. SHE-

"P-please," she breathed, voice betraying her thoughts. Satisfied, his tongue moved up, sliding along her, drinking in her juices and making her squeal. "Aa-aah! Karkat!"

"Mmmf..." His tongue slid in and out of her, her legs shaking and tightening around his head. He moaned, reaching as deep as he could and she yelled loudly.

"AAH, FUCK!" She tossed her head back, panting loudly. "More, more, MORE!" He grinned, licking faster and harder. "NNAH!"

"Don't move," Karkat said as he pulled off.

"No, no, more, please," she begged, slave to her hormones. He darted off and she whimpered, dipping her fingers into herself and moaning as she serviced herself. Even the two fingers she used was as a lot for her. She wondered if he was as big or long as two fingers? She'd never SEEN one. Her eyes snapped open as the metal clanged next to her face. She opened her eyes to see a bucket with a heart on it - marked for matesprits. She blushed and turned to see him, shirt off, revealing a pudgy - but not fat - chest and stomach as he worked his belt off.

"You ready?" he grunted.

"Y-yes..." she whispered. he peeked up at her.

"You afraid?"

"No! Shut up, Karkat." He grinned and nodded, clawing his pants and boxers down. Definitely bigger - and longer - than two fingers. She gulped and leaned her head back as he descended onto her, kissing her neck.

"Brace yourself," he whispered. She clenched her fists as he slowly pushed into her. First it was a sweet stretching, then, suddenly, it was as if her world was being torn apart. It took her a few moments before she realized she was screaming, Karkat clamping his hand over her mouth to silence her. She bit hard, red blood dripping down his hand and into her mouth as she whimpered loud. She panted when he released her and she clawed her body in pain.

"Fuck! Uunh! It hurts!"

"Shh, shh," Karkat papped, stroking her hair. She panted, looking up into his eyes. "It's okay." She nodded, wiping away a stray tear from the pain. "I'll go slow." He went slower, each thrust receiving a pained moan that slowly meshed into a sweet, pleasured grunt as her body accomodated him.

"Mmm... it feels better," she groaned.

"Faster?" She nodded and he complied, going faster as she cried out, his nails raking down her chest as he pumped and she shrieked. "Vriska, I'm close..."

"Yes, yes, do it!" He grunted and pumped harder, crying out as he filled her. She screamed, vision tinted blue, then white then sparking as she saw stars before it faded back to normal.

"H... holy fuck..." She leaned back, head hitting the stairs as he leaned aginst her.

"You have... to fill it now," he instructed.

"Hum? Fill it?" He nodded. "O-oh! Um, don't look." He turned away, striking up a cigarette and taking a long drag.

"Want some?" he asked, holding the cigarette over his shoulder. She took it, breathing in deep and blowing a ring of smoke before handing it back.

"I'm done." He turned, her lace panties covering the gray skin as she snapped her bra into place. He nodded and tapped the bucket.

"Going to make some damn fine grubs," he chuckled.

"Real annoying," she smiled.

"And total bitches," he taunted. She scowled and tugged on her pants. "So who's the kismesis? Eridan? Equius?" She paused.

"Well... it's, um..."

"Who?"

"...Tavros..."

"TAVROS?" Karkat laughed and she grimaced.

"I know, shut up."

"That's so FUNNY! Oh fuck!" He wiped tears of laughter away and sighed. "Oh boy. Alright, alright. When?"

"Sometime later today."

"Cutting it close, aren't you?" She frowned. "It's alright, you have a few hours." She nodded. "Go get some sleep, you look exhausted."

"But..."

"What?"

"...I can't move." He chuckled, lifting her and carrying her up into her room, laying her in her recuperacoon.

"Sleep tight," he smiled as it closed.


	9. Chapter Eight: The Culling Part Two

**Chapter Eight**

_The Culling: Part Two_

_Vriska Serket / Tavros Nitram_

She hated it but she had no other options. It was now or never. She raised her fist, then paused.

"Second thoughts?" Karkat asked, folding his arms. She sighed, spinning to face him. "Figured you would."

"Shut up," she hissed. "I'm not having second thoughts. It had to be him." Karkat shrugged, hugging his jacket around his shoulders - the air was chilly and he wished the spidery girl would get on with it. She raised her fist again, hesitating once more before pounding loud, three times on the hive door. The echo seemed to reverberate through the near-empty hive.

There was a noise like gently blowing windchimes as the door opened, the Lusus Tinkerbull waiting just inside.

"Take us to Tavros," Vriska demanded. While her voice was flat and unemotional, Tinkerbull knew the day and the reason - as well as the well-masked desperation. The Lusus wasn't stupid. The bull-fairy flitted through the hive toward Tavros's room.

"Second thoughts yet?" Karkat asked, flashing a row of sharp teeth in a grin.

"No," she replied, avoiding his gaze in case her eyes betrayed her lie. They reached the door to find it ajar, Tavros inside with some set of goggles on, humming to himself.

"Hey, Tav," Karkat barked and the long-horned troll tore the goggles off.

"O-oh! Karkat, Vriska. Um, what are you doing here?" The two exchanged glances.

"Tavros, what day is it?"

"Um, I don't know," he laughed sheepishly. "Why?"

"It's the Culling Day," Vriska snapped, the shy troll cringing. "You know why we're here."

"I- oh! Um, oh. I, uh, I see." Karkat snickered.

"I already did my job," he said, holding up a bucket with a heart on it.

"I- I-" Tavros stammered.

"That's right, big boy," Vriska flashed her sharp teeth. "You get to be the kismesis."

"B-but-" Tavros started.

"Shoosh," Vriska papped, stripping off her jacket and shirt, revealing a dark blue and black spiderweb-print bra over her ashen skin. "Karkat." The young troll gave a nod, slipping out of the room with a tentative Tinkerbull.

"V-Vriska, I-" He turned and met Vriska's lips on his, meshing hotly and hungrily. HE first attempted to psuh away, but she held a desperate vicegrip on his shoulders. Finally he relinquished control and let her hungry kisses take him over. She tugged at his shirt and he awkwardly pulled it up over his long horns, making him shudder. She grinned.

"Is little Tavros feeling sensitive with his horns?" she cooed.

"B- I-" he sputtered. She ran her sharpened nails along his horns and felt as his body twitched and shuddered under her touch. His eyes fluttered up into his head, eyelids closing as she dragged her nails up and down. She clawed off her bra, pressing her bare chest to his body.

Her fingers fidgeted with the button of his pants, quickly tearing them off and rubbing his thighs, eliciting a soft moan. Finally, she slid on hand into his pants, rubbing him slow and teasing.

"Want it?"

"Y-y-yes..."

"Say my name." Her grip tightened.

"V-Vriska!" She grinned in satisfaction and threw him to the floor, straddling him, sharp teeth bared in some semblance of intimidation. She tore off his boxers and wrapped her hand around his length, stroking slowly, thumb flicking over the tip. He groaned and she twisted her body as she clawed off her pants, clad only in a pair of blue-black spiderweb panties, her face flushed a light shade of blue from exertion.

"Vriska..." Tavros breathed again. She turned, sliding her hands over his body - lanky and lean in contrast to Karkat's - and slowly wrapped her lips around his length, his view of her obscured by her body, still straddling him. His body began to shake and he squeaked as she gripped him hard.

"Not yet," she growled, lips still wrapped around the tip. "She stood, yanking off her panties and grinding him, nails raking down his chest, small lines of orange-brown blood pooling where she clawed. "You want it?" she asked, tossing her glasses to the side and shaking out her hair.

"Y-yes..."

"Yes what?" She clawed harder.

"Yes I want it!" He whimpered. She grinned.

"Use my roleplaying name." He hesitated for a moment before her claws dug into his neck.

"P-p-please Marquise! I want it!" She snickered, then lowered herself onto him, gasping and digging her nails into his shoulders.

"Holy mother fuck!" She gasped, grinning. "Holy hell, Tavros!" He blushed a dark rustic orange as she laughed, bouncing up and down. "I didn't - unnh! - know you were - ooh... - this good!" She ran her bloody nails through her hair, groaning and panting. his hands rested on her hips as she continued, mouth open, tongue out.

"Hhahhh... Hnnaaaahh..." She began rubbing her horns, sending jolts of pleasure through her body, jerking this way and that. "Fu-uu-uu-uu-uuck!" She gripped his shoulders, swearing and grinding harder. Tavros's breath began to hitch and began a sort of panting wheeze and she grinned, sliding her hands along her horns. "Yes, yes! Fill me!" She gripped his horns and he gasped, arching. She rode him harder and felt his body begin to shiver under hers and her own body thrummed in response. "F-fuck! Do it! NOW!"

He cried out, a whimpering groan, as he filled her to the brim. She shrieked, jerking violently in orgasm as she tried to continue riding him, her body too unruly to respond.

"D-damnit!" she swore, collapsing to his bloody chest. He panted, resting a hand in her hair. "Holy shit."

"Y-y-yeah..." he stuttered. She got up and stretched, retrieving a spade-marked bucket and retreating to the bathroom, slamming the door. Karkat came into Tavros's room, smoking a cigarette, forcing Tavros to yank the nearest article of clothing - his Boy Skylark outfit - around his half naked body.

"Nice," Karkat grinned and Tavros blushed. "Sure did a number on you."

"H-huh?" He looked down at his bloody, clawed body. "O-oh, yeah."

"Guess that's what happens with kismises." He shrugged.

"She didn't claw you up?" Tavros asked.

"On the contrary," Karkat grinned, holding up his hands, yellow nails caked with blue blood. Vriska emerged from the bathroom with a full bucket and a drained look.

"Need sleep," she demanded, pushing past him and settling into his recuperacoon. Tavros pulled on his boxers as she knocked his outfit from his hands.

"Looks good," Karkat said, nodding. "Two full buckets. Get to live another few sweeps."

"Yeah," Tavros laughed nervously. Karkat slugged him lightly.

"Grab your bucket, we need to have them ready. She needs her sleep." Tavros saw Vriska already snoozing and nodded, grabbing the pail and following Karkat from the room.

**_Now go back and read Karkat's voice in ambitiousBard's rendition and the Tavros as MasterYorgi's rendition. The story is no longer hot, but in fact, _****___hilarious._**

_**~_u Hope you enjoyed it!**_


	10. Chapter Nine: Gmrz

**Chapter Nine**

_Gmrz_

_Latula Pyrope / Mituna Captor_

"It's alright, Mituna, try again."

"Ugh, gog thisstupidfuckingskateboardi sapieceofshitGOGDAMNITWHY-" Latula winced as Mituna slammed face-first into the ground once more, skidding a bit before coming to a stop, groaning.

"Are you okay?" she asked, rushing to his side. He grumbled something into the ground. "What?" He rolled over, the front of his helmet broken.

"YeahmyheadisfinebutIbrokemys tupidfuckinghelmetugh-"

"Shh." Latula smiled, removing the helmet. He blinked in the harsh light, but smiled back.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Oh, no, Mituna, don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong." He perked up a bit.

"Really?" She smiled lovingly, pulling her arm around his neck and kissing his forehead.

"Of course not." He smiled and flushed a dull yellow color, scratching his neck awkwardly. "Now want to try that rail grind again?"

"No," he replied, downtrodden. "Illprobablyjustbreakthestuip dgogdamnboardagainifItrystup idboard..."

"Hey, now, don't get mad at the board. Never get mad at the board. You just need more practice. But we can go back and fix this helmet, maybe grab a bite to eat before trying again. Alright?" He nodded sullenly and she helped him up, taking his arm as they headed across the Derse/Prospit dream bubble bridge to their hive.

* * *

GMGRL4L1F3 shared this via Bubblr: " SPRGM8R0 4nd 1 h4v3 b33n pr4ct1c1ng som3 s1ck h34lfl1ps 4nd r41lgr1nds 4nd 4r3 gonn4 go g3t som3 r&r b3for3 w3 try 4g41n!"

10LIVEZCAT replied: "(^oωo^) MOG YOU TWO ARE SO CUTE! WE NEED TO HANG OUT MORE OFTEN, YOU GUYS. I HAVE TO STAY UPDATED ON THE SHIPPING!"

* * *

Latula hummed softly as she prepared lunch for her and Mituna. Er. Dinner. Breakfast? She sighed. Dream bubbles were hard enough when you DIDN'T think about time. In fact, the only one who could stand time at all was Damara, and Latula hadn't heard much from her in a while.

"HolyshitIamsohungryLatulaist hefooddoneyet?" Mituna demanded. Latula sighed. After the incident, Mituna had become demanding and prone to accidents. But that didn't stop her from thinking he was the raddest troll in the dream bubble. Accidents or not, Latula knew she couldn't help her red feelings for him.

"In a second, Mituna," she replied. He nodded, smiling contently. She sighed. If only Kurloz would speak of the incident. Tell them what happened. Latula would have found peace in that, at least. But he refused. "Here we go," she smiled, handing him his plate. He beamed. The plate would have, on Beforus, been an expensive delicacy - and a delicious one, at that - that the two would've never been able to afford.

"Macaroni and cheese, topped with cotton candy," she smiled.

"Latulathislooksdeliciousshit thankyou!" he exclaimed, beginning to eat wildly. She chuckled, watching him, and ate hers as well. He finished before she did, holding his helmet. "Latula," he said, speaking slowly, "do you get mad at me?" She started.

"What? What do you mean, Mituna?"

"Im not like normal people after the accident. I fall down alot and I have trouble thinking straight and sometimes I say things I shouldnt. Do you get mad at me?"

"Mituna, come here." She gestured for him to sit across from her. He set the cracked helmet on the table and sat.

"Whoever told you that is wrong. Was it Cronus? Ooh, if it was Cronus I'm gonna have a talk with him." She grimaced.

"NoLatulaitwasntCronusitsokay reallyIpromiseImsorry..."

"Hey. Hey." She cupped his cheeks and pulled his gaze to her. "Don't apologize to me. You don't ever have to apologize to me. I'll always forgive you." He blushed lightly.

"Really?"

"Really." She leaned in, kissing him softly and he returned the kiss. She smiled lightly. He had issues, she knew that, and she accepted it. But sometimes, she could feel the old Mituna still there. He nipped down her neck and she smiled, sighing gently, feeling the old Mituna. He always knew exactly what to do.

His lips moved down her neck to her collarbone, nipping lightly as she sighed softly. Finally, she pulled him to another kiss and smiled.

"You want to go 'lay down'?" He grinned and nodded. "Come on."

**_AN: This story didn't feel like I needed much more, but if you all would like the next part, of course, I'd be willing to oblige. _**


	11. Chapter Ten: Seahorsing Around

**Chapter Ten**

_Seahorsing Around_

_Meenah Peixes / Horrus Zahhak_

Meenah was dead. It was both a fact both depressing and invigorating all at once. They'd escaped the total erasure of what may have happened through the Scratch, as well as surviving inside a dream bubble, which was exciting. However, they were all dead, which was not so exciting.

She sighed as she heard the knock at her large double doors, shaking her head. That was the thing about being dead. It wasn't even the whole "being dead" part that had her irritated. She donned a violet robe and stormed down the stairs of her castle and into the front lobby, opening a door.

"What," she demanded curtly. Outside, Horrus stood in his typical workshop outfit, leather hat and apron, goggles covering his downcast eyes.

"Oh, your highness, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion," he began, already dabbing his forehead of sweat. She sighed.

"It's fine, Horrus, what do you need?"

"I was just- are you- is that robe-?"

"I'm naked, Horrus. What did you want?"

"I- I- I'm- so sorry, your hi-" She slammed the door shut, storming back up the stairs. She wouldn't have minded if Aranea had interrupted her, but it was another thing entirely for that hemospectrum-obsessed horse-freak to bother her. She tossed the robe off, settling back into the bathtub, smiling warmly as she sank into the warm water, breathing in deeply, taking the water through her gills and extruding them calmly. Warm water always felt the best. It was like a bath for your lungs.

She immersed herself in water and slowly played her fingers down her body from the tip of her horns down her chest and stomach, sighing happily, causing a stream of bubbles to surface as her fingers found her bulge and ran across it gently, eliciting a cooing sigh as it opened like a flower, allowing her fingers inside. She found this to be another downside of being dead, though she wasn't sure if it affected all trolls or just her: achieving orgasm had become excruitiatingly difficult.

She worked her fingers hard, groaning and panting beneath the surface of the water, grunting every time she almost reached her peak, then dropped again, whimpering loudly. After a long while, she'd grown frustrated, becoming more aggressive and angry until finally giving him, screaming and thrashing in agonizing lust, banging against the side of the tub and knocking the water everywhere.

Finally, panting from exertion, she emerged from the tub, then froze.

"Horrus?!" she exlaimed, the troll sweating as he watched her, opening his mouth to speak but finding no words. "Water you doing in here?!"

"I- your majesty- I had-"

"Get out!" She pushed him from the bathroom, slamming the door shut and panting, blushing from embarassment. Then, she paused. It took her only a moment to make the decision, her body already still hot and worked up from the tub. She threw open the door, storming naked after Horrus.

"M-Meenah-? What-?" She cut him off by kissing him hard, reaching past his leather apron to stroke his bulge. "Y-your majesty-"

"Shut up and get me off, Zahhak," she growled. She pulled his hand down to her own bulge, mewing at the touch. He responded by workign her slow and hard with his fingers as seh did the same. Suddenly, she dropped to her knees, flashing her sharp teeth in a wicked grin.

"Porrim taught me this," she grinned, moving to his bulge and beginning to work over it with her tongue and lips.

"Oh- oh my..." He grunted, holding her head to get the most pleasure from her until she finally rose, beaming at him, mouth covered in navy juices.

"Now," she said, pinning him against he large double doors, hiking a leg up around his hip. "Fuck me."

Surprisingly, he grabbed her without hestitation, and she could feel her hips ache under his touch as he pulled her to him, tentabulges merging, their tentacles intertwining and grinding, making Meenah squeal in pleasure. She wrapped her legs around him and ground back with all she had, moaning loud as the two merged and meshed against one another.

"Oh God," she muttered as tiny trembles began to run along her body. "Oh god oh god, OH GOD HORRUS!" Her vision dulled, then exploded with violet sparks as her body thrashed in his strong grip. After regaining her senses, she realized she'd been crying out, and that the two had left quite a mess in the foyer in front of the door. "Holy shit, Horrus..." she panted, falling from his grip to the ground, where she sat against the door. "What was it..." She grunted, wincing at the pain in her hips. "What was it you came here for, anyway?"

"I had come to ask your royal advice on how to go about courting Rufioh, actually." She paused, then shook her head, chuckling, standing with a groan.

"Just do to him what you did to me," she grinned, turning to retreat to her bedroom. "Oh, and no one hears about this."

"Of course, your majesty. I wouldn't dream of revealing our spontaneous intimacy to anyone." She nodded, then turned, heaving herself up the stairs.

"I need a nap..."

**Oh gog, I'm so sorry about terrible titles, I just haven't been able to think of any others. u_u;**

**I'd also like to say that I'm hopefully working on the Damara/Meenah one next, but the plot I've used is difficult and I have to go reread and do research, which isn't something you'd expect steamy romance writers to do, but hey, gotta keep the plot semi-consistent. ^u~**


	12. Chapter Eleven: Umbral Seclusion

**Chapter Eleven**

_Umbral Seclusion_

_Cherubs (Calliope) / Roxy Lalonde_

Roxy followed the spiral deeper into the darkness, around and around into swirling nothingness. The path below her was the only light, and around it was an all consuming black void. The path got thinner as it wrapped tighter nearing the center of the spiral, then finally let out into a large black circle. Roxy stepped into it softly, all noise seeming to stop. Silence, complete.

Then she turned around.

"Hello!" the figure said, smiling nervously. Roxy gaped at the alien girl. Gray skin, white hair, orange horns, pure white eyes, and green spirals on her cheeks.

"Calliope? That you?" Roxy asked, incredulously.

"Yes, it is I!" the troll-girl chuckled.

"Holy shit! The most pious and reverential of shits, turd in a church, Callie, you startled me!"

"Sorry!" she said with a nervous laugh. The two took a moment to take each other in, eyes pouring over each other in their first meet.

"But yeah, so... hey! Nice to finally meet you! Wowee, you're pretty. So when you said you weren't good looking it turns out that was a bunch of baloney?"

"No, Roxy. I am afraid it wasn't a helping of yoUr delicioUs earth baloney," Calliope replied softly, casting her eyes downward.

"Aw, don't say that," Roxy frowned. She examined Calliope for a moment. "Also, you said you were a cherub. If I'm not mistaken, you appear to be a troll. Unless cherubs actually look like trolls?"

"Alas, we do not. This is not my trUe appearance. I have taken the form of my trollsona. I wanted to look more presentable for oUr meetUp. UnfortUnately, my trUe visage woUld likely repUlse or frighten yoU. That is not the first impression I woUld like to make."

"Girl, please," Roxy said with a dismissive wave. "Trust me, there's nothing you could look like that would make me scared of you or grossed out. I am your friend and I know you're nice inside no matter what, so... could I see the real you?"

"That is so kind of yoU to say. I can believe that a lovely person like yoU woUld be able to stop herself from recoiling at the sight of my monstroUs face. BUt it is out of the qUestion. I am mUch more comfortable appearing to yoU this way. Really, it has more to do with my own dissatisfaction with the way I look than any lack of trUst in yoUr character. YoU Understand, don't yoU?"

"Yeah, it's okay Callie, you can keep on being a cute troll. I'm just really happy to see you, after all this time," Roxy smiled and embraced the troll-cherub. Calliope tensed, then returned the embrace.

"As am I. I've waited a long time to finally see yoU." Calliope gave a toothy grin and Roxy giggled. "How have yoU and yoUr friends been?"

"We've been good. Well, kinda good. Well okay recently it's been pretty much disaster city."

"Why is that?"

"Well, Jake and Dirk are sort of a thing, and Janey wanted to be a thing with Jake and Jake is just an inconsiderate ass and talked about Dirk and sort of drove Janey up a wall, and then she ran off and all sorts of crazy shenanigans, I guess."

"Oh dear, that is rather UnfortUnate. If Dirk and Jake are together and Jane is alone, then what does that mean for yoUr love life?"

"Pft, me? Girl, I don't need nobody. I got my besties - you, Janey, and Fefeta. Poor, poor Fefeta." Calliope chuckled and gave another toothy grin. "How about you, you little cherub? Didn't you mention cherub romance once?"

"Ah yes. It's a rather violent and Unpleasant ordeal. In fact, as mUch as it pains me to admit, it was very similar to my relationship with my brother."

"Wait, you and your brother were, like-?"

"No, no! It's similar, but definitely not the same. Ordinarily, the 'romance' woUld occUr between two different cherUbs, and it would be a fight for dominance, mUch as my brother and I fought over my own body. It would often occUr over weeks or months and be a long and bloody dUel. EventUally, the one who sUcceeded woUld be the dominant cherUb in the relationship. It's very similar to the kismessitUde of trolls, however in a way it's more end-oriented than fUeling the rage for another with constant antics."

"Huh, I see. So you don't have any secret cherub boyfriends on the side?"

"Heavens, no. I've never seen another cherUb in my life, and after I've dealt with my brother, I'd never want to meet one. I wish for a more 'red' relationship, like trolls or hUmans have. Alas, as a cherUb, I never can."

"Well you're being troll-Callie right now, right?" Roxy nudged the troll-girl.

"What? Well, yes, bUt-"

"Couldn't you be, like, humansona Callie or whatever?"

"I sUppose in my dream state I coUld be whatever I'd like..."

"Do it, girl! I wanna see human-Callie!"

"Well... alright. Stand back." Roxy took a step away from Calliope, who closed her eyes. She seemed to vibrate, to sort of shift between one state to the next in the blink of an eye. When Roxy focused on her again, she was a young girl, about Roxy's age, with shoulder length brown-blond hair, her usual black and green suspenders and bowtie attire, and deep lime-green eyes. "D-does it look alright?"

"Holy cow, Callie, you're crazy pretty!" Roxy beamed.

"A-am I?" Calliope blushed a lime green color. "Thank yoU, Roxy."

"So... about that human romance."

"Wh-what?"

"Well, you're a human," Roxy began, sauntering up to the human-Calliope, "and I'M a human..."

"I-I- oh- well, I-" Roxy smiled, wrapping her arms around the girl's waist and pulling her close, kissing her gently on the lips. Calliope struggled for a moment, then gave in and relinquished control to Roxy, kissing back deeply. Roxy pulled her tighter against her and Calliope's hands moved to Roxy's chest, eliciting a soft moan from the blond girl.

Panting, they began kissing harder, Roxy taking Calliope and gently lowering her to the ground. Despite being in the center of a dark spiral in a void of nothing, the ground was rather soft. Calliope smiled, hair splayed out before her as Roxy knelt above her.

"Damn you're cute," Roxy panted.

"This is so nice," Calliope murmured softly. "More, please, Roxy." Roxy grinned and began nibbling the girl's neck and playing with her chest. Calliope gave a small coo and moaned as she writhed beneath Roxy's touch. Roxy's hand slid down her chest and into her jeans, moving down to her thigh. Calliope gasped and jerked a bit, looking into Roxy's eyes, but Roxy only grinned and moved her fingers up further, sliding along Calliope's entrance, making her groan and roll her head back as Roxy nipped her neck and chest.

"Oh, Roxy, this is fantastic... I-" She froze. Roxy looked up to find Calliope's gaze fixed behind her. "Oh, no!" Roxy spun to see a young girl dressed in an orange dress. "What is SHE doing here?!"

"M-mom?" Roxy sputtered.

"Mom?" Rose asked, quizically.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Calliope cried, jumping up. "This will not do at ALL! A LIGHT player? Have yoU gone mental? Why don't we jUst bUrn a bloody bonfire in here! He'll spot Us any minUte, assUming he isn't already on his way to blow Us all to kingdom come!" Calliope reached into her pockets, pulling out handfuls of sparkling dust. "Not that it hasn't been delightfUl, bUt everybody oUt!" She threw a handful into Roxy's face, causing her to sit up and cough violently.

Sit up?

"What the heck?" Roxy looked around. Darkness, and purple. Derse? Barred windows. A prison of some kind?

"Oh, good, you're awake." Roxy turned to see the door blocked by a tall troll with large horns, wide hips, and a fierce grin. "I was afraid you'd never wake up."

**To be continUed? ;u**

**And I'm sorry I haven't been doing many of your requests (or much at all) but I now have a job where I can take a small notepad to work and just write the entire time, so it allows me to have a lot more time to write your smut, so I will hopefully be updating more frequently soon!**


	13. Chapter Twelve: Skaia High Part One

**Chapter Twelve**

_Skaia High; Part One_

_Equius Zahhak / Jade Harley_

The new kids were weird. Most new kids were "weird", but usually in a "new-kid" way. These new kids were more "alien" weird. And for good reason. They weren't from Earth. Jade Harley, however, found them fascinating, even though most of her peers viewed them with disgust or fear.

On 11/11/11, first contact with an alien race was made. The race called themselves "Trolls" and were led by an alien empress known as "Her Imperial Condescension", commonly referred to as the Condesce. After contact, the trolls began integrating into society. One of these ways was called the "Alternian Ambassador Program", in which troll children, roughly of adolescent maturity in both intelligence and physical growth, participated in the human school system in order to learn from humans, as well as give their own knowledge on troll culture. The problem with this, however, was that humans were usually inherently afraid of them, and avoided them on principal.

Jade Harley's school, Skaia High, hosted twenty four of these trolls, some of whom even received decent reception with the human kids, primarily Vriska Serket - for her dominating and bullying nature - Porrim Maryam - for her interesting, alien sense of fashion - Karkat Vantas - girls fawned over him simply because of his uncaring attitude - and Rufioh Nitram - because, well, even Jade admitted Rufioh was rather hunky.

However, on the opposite end of the spectrum were two blue-blooded brothers: the Zahhaks. The teachers, being paid to treat each student, human or troll, equally, were supposed to be unbiased, but even they steered clear of the Zahhak brothers, primarily Equius. They were blue-bloods (meaning they had ACTUAL blue blood) and this put them higher up on their "hemospectrum" than most. Navy blue blood meant lower-upper class. Or upper-middle class. Fascinating as Jade found the trolls, the hemospectrum still confused her.

"Hey, Equius," a voice shrilled. The troll turned from the front of the class from behind his broken sunglasses (something of a fashion amongst blue-blooded trolls, Jade gathered) to get a rolled up ball of paper thrown in his face. The kids laughed even louder when he opened it and found a picture of a bucket, shuddering hard and throwing the paper on the floor.

"Ms. Lalonde?" Jade asked, raising her hand. "Can't you make them stop pestering him?"

"I'm sorry, Harley," Jade's teacher, Ms. Lalonde, sighed. "They're freshman. I can't make them do anything."

"Ooh, is Jade a troll-lover?"

"N-no! I just- I think it's mean that you all have to pick on him like that. He didn't do anything to you!"

"Troll-lover, troll-lover!" Jade blushed and buried her face in her arms.

"That's enough out of you all," Ms. Lalonde snapped. Jade made sure to scamper out as quickly as she could as soon as the bell rang.

* * *

"Hey, Jade," her friend John said, beaming as she plopped down next to him.

"Yo, Harley," Dave nodded. Rose gave her typical enigmatic but warming smile and a nod.

"Hey, guys," Jade said, sighing. She raised her sandwich to her mouth, then paused. Across the cafeteria, the blue-blooded troll sat silently, eating on his own. "Actually, I'm gonna sit with someone else today, guys," she said, standing up.

"You sure, Jade?" John asked, frowning.

"Yeah, it's fine."

"See ya, J.," Dave waved. She made her way over to Equius's table, sitting opposite him. He froze, stock-still.

"Hello, Equius," she said with a smile.

"O-oh. Hello, Jade. I- am I intruding on your normal spot? I-I can move..."

"No, it's fine, Equius. I wanted to sit with you." He blinked.

"O-oh. I see." There was a moment of awkward silence.

"So, what are you eating?"

"Ah, it's from Alternia. It's grub-loaf with grub-sauce." Jade turned up her nose.

"Lots of 'grubs' on Alternia."

"Yes, quite. Similar to your Earth cows, our livestock are instead large grubs."

"Ew, creepy."

"Yes, I would say to an outsider they would be rather unnerving." Another awkward silence. "Why did you sit with me?"

"You were alone," she replied with a frown.

"You are not frightened of me? The other children are."

"They're just mean, is all." Equius paused for a moment.

"I was... secluded on Alternia, aside from my Lusus and my brother, so any social interaction is welcome, even taunting. However, the... bucket drawings were less than appreciative."

"Yeah, what's up with trolls and buckets? I know it makes you uneasy and stuff."

"It has to to do with... troll mating."

"Oh. Oh! Oh, jeez, I see, I'm sorry, Equius."

"No, it's quite alright," he said with a light smile. "I must say, I was... rather apprehensive at first, but I do rather enjoy you coming and speaking to me."

"It's no problem, really," she replied, smiling. They continued to talk until the bell rang. "Oh, shoot, I better get to class. I can talk with you at lunch here tomorrow?"

"What class? Perhaps we have it together."

"Biology?"

"Ah, no. I'm sorry. Tomorrow, then." She nodded and waved, heading off.

* * *

"And I said, 'I didn't take your paper, a breeze must've knocked it off!'" John exclaimed.

"Man, Egbert, you're like the fuckin' pranking MASTER," Dave grinned, slugging him on the shoulder. The group chuckled. Suddenly, Jade caught a glance of someone on the school steps, walking inside.

"Hey, I forgot something inside, go on without me," she said. They nodded and she bounded up the steps into the quiet hallway. "Equius?" she called. No response came. She frowned, peeking down hallway after hallway. Finally, she found herself at the gym.

"Hello?" she asked, peeking in. The gymnasium was quiet and dark, and completely empty. She turned to leave when she felt a hand on her mouth. She began to struggle, then turned to find Equius.

"Shh," he said, gently nudging her into the gym. When the door closed, he released her.

"Equius, wha-?" He silenced her with a firm kiss. Her eyes widened as he continued, fearful but returning it reluctantly. He moved his lips to her neck and she blushed, feeling her neck and chest flush with color. "E-Equius, m-maybe we sh-shouldn't-"

"Shh," he said again, "it's alright." He moved back to her lips as his hand slid down into her jeans. They blush became a darker red and she gasped, attempting to move his arm, but finding his grip alone held her fast, not to mention her confusion and uncomfortable hesitation. His fingers slid down along her slit and she gritted her teeth to avoid moaning.

"Are you hurt?" Equius asked, recoiling. She paused. He genuinely seemed to not want her hurt.

"N-no, it's f-fine," she mumbled. He nodded, sliding his fingers again along her slit, and this time she released a soft cooing noise. Tentatively, he began to push one finger into her, making her whimper softly. He frowned, focusing as his finger slid deeper and her moans became louder.

"E-Equius," she panted. His face was steely and focused, as if... studying, maybe? She didn't care. Pleasure was the overriding emotion now. Her hand found her breast and began to massage herself as he continued, testing various speeds and tempos in and out with his fingers until he had her moaning consistently She felt a heat rising inside her and she began to panic.

"E-E-Equius," she panted. "I-I th-think I'm cl-close..."

"Oh, I see. Very good..." Perhaps he was naturally this way, or perhaps her throes of pleasure were screwing with her head, but she couldn't read his emotion at all. Blank, like a void. Suddenly, the heat and pressure were too much. She bit her lip to keep from yelling too loud, bucking her hips and holding his shoulders as her orgasm took her hard. She gasped and grunted, panting and letting her vision fuzz and pop, then clear very slowly. Apparently, much more slowly than she'd anticipated, as when her head cleared, Equius was gone. In his place was a note that read, "May we still talk tomorrow at lunch? -E"

She chuckled and sighed, collapsing against the cold gymnasium floor for a rest.

_**This one is actually for my friend raptureHelmet, who hates that I write erotic Homestuck fanfiction, but got Jade/Equius as his officially designated OTP. :U**_


	14. Chapter Thirteen: The Great Lusus Heist

**Chapter Thirteen**

_The Great Lusus Heist_

___Damara Megido_ / _Cronus Ampora_

The dame cautiously knocked on the door to the private investigator's office.

"Come in," the detective said. She entered, shutting the door softly behind her. "Ah, Ms. Serket. Vwhatewver can I do for you?"

"Detective Ampora, please, I beg of you. The Lusus of poor Rufioh has gone missing!"

"The leader of the Lost Boys gang? Forget it, dame. I got more important things to do." He struck up a cigarette when she slapped a photo on his desk. He turned slowly, examining the snapshot.

"Rufioh believe she stole it. They go way back." Detective Ampora grimaced.

"You SURE about this?"

"Yes. Please, Cronus. Do this one favor?" Aranea bent over subtly. "For me?"

"Sawve the cleawvage, doll. This ain't for you." He burned his cigarette against the photo of the violet-blooded troll. "This is personal."

* * *

"Cronus Ampora," he said, flashing his credentials to the large, blue-blooded guard troll. "Friend of the ovwner." The large troll bouncer spoke on a headset, paused, then nodded, moving aside. The club had a strange rainbow motif, with lasers and lights flashing over the misty fog that covered the dance floor. Cronus made his way to a table in the far back, far from the action. It was dark lit only by a pair of gleaming eyes with red irises.

"Damara," Cronus said in greeting as he approached. "Alvways a pleasure."

"あなたも、魚の男の子。"

"Novw, novw. No name calling. You hawve intel on the girl, don't you?" Damara grimaced, lips pursed in a thin line.

"ここにいない。我々は秘密裏にこれの多くを話すでしょう。" Cronus glanced around. Indeed, several trolls were shooting them odd glances.

"Good idea. Any idea vwhere at?"

"最上階ペントハウス。"

"Lap of luxury, eh, Damara? Alright, lead the vway." Cronus followed the crimson-blood past the drunks and strippers to the elevator. Using the club's key, she pressed the penthouse button, and the elevator rumbled to a start.

"Vwhat do you know, Megido?" Cronus asked softly.

"我々はここで話すことは安全ではありません。" She gestured toward the ceiling, where a small camera and microphone were inset. He stood quietly until they reached the top floor, and the elevator doors slid open. The room was decorated with Japanese-style memorobelia and posters of anime. Cronus never had the taste for those Japanese comics.

"さて、シードゥエラー。" Damara said, stripipng her low-cut red blouse to the floor, revealing her supple breasts. "あなたは私から情報を性交するつもりですか？" Cronus grinned, undoing his pants.

"Only if I must, doll." She grabbed him and pulled him into a long, hard kiss. He returned it, throwing off his duster and shirt. Damara knelt down, removing his boxers and slowly licking each tentacle of his bulge. He grinned and threaded his hand into her hair.

"That feels real good, doll." He groaned as her tongue slid up and down each one and she came up grinning, purple slime running down her chin. He grabbed her and threw her back onto the bed, climbing on top so their tentabulges intertwined. She groaned and writhed as he panted, grinding his bulge against hers harder and faster.

"はい、はい、より速く、より！" He panted, feeling the shivering-shocking feeling climbing up his spine, until finally he groaned loud, his body feeling aflame. After a moment, he flopped down onto the bed, panting.

"Jeez, doll, that vwas-" He turned to see Damara, pointing a gun at him. "Oh. Vwell, then-"

"あなたは本当にあなたが住んでいるだろうと思った？私は私のリーダーを離れて与えるだろうか？"

"C'mon, doll, be reasonable. Here, I'll even let you go. No interrogation, no guns. I'm unarmed." Suddenly, the elevator pinged lightly. Damara turned her attention from Cronus, and he lunged, smashing the gun up into her face.

"Freethe, thuckerth!" The rookie Captor screamed as he entered, swinging his pistol around.

"No need, Mituna, I got her," Cronus said with a smile, cuffing the red-blooded troll. "Novw, doll. Tell em ewverything you knovw about Meenah."

_To be continued?_

**I always sort of viewed Cronus as less of a greaser and more of a detective? Idk why. He just seemed to have that "PRIVATE EYE" thing going on. And I had a request for Damara/Cronus, so there you go. ^u^**


	15. Chapter Fourteen: Skaia High Part Two

**Chapter Fourteen**

_Skaia High; Part Two_

_Nepeta Leijon / Rose Lalonde_

Nepeta frowned. Equius had run off and left her all alone, leaving her to make her way back to their temporary hive on her own.

"Stupid mean Equius," she growled, kicking a pebble. "What a big dumb jerk! Hmph!" She watched it roll over to a tree, under which lay a black cat in a tuxedo, sleeping soundly. "Kitty!" Nepeta gasped. She pounced, scooping the cat up in her arms and rubbing it against her face. "Soft kitty, so furry and-"

"Excuse me." She spun to see an intimidating girl wearing black make-up, arms crossed, and a look of vague amusement on her face. "It does appear you've found my cat, troll."

"O-oh! Yes, sorry!" She released the cat from her loving grip.

"Come here, Jaspers," the girl called softly, the cat rubbing against her leg and purring. "You're Nepeta, am I correct?"

"Oh, yes, Nepeta Leijon."

"An olive-blood, if I'm not terribly mistaken? Middle-class on Alternia." Nepeta nodded. The girl was rather learned in troll-culture. "Sorry, my name is Rose Lalonde. You know, I'd love to compensate you for finding Jaspers for me, but I have no money on me at the moment. Would you perhaps like to come home with me for dinner instead?" Nepeta blinked. This human, unlike most others, seemed unafraid of her. In fact, she seemed almost... entertained. Inviting.

"W-well- I-I don't know-"

"If you have somewhere to be, I understand completely."

"N-no, I just-... okay, sure. I can come have dinner with you." Rose smiled coyly.

"Splendid. Follow me, I'll show you the way." Nepeta fell in line behind Rose as they headed down the street, ignoring the strange looks from people, both disgusted and intrigued.

"So tell me, Nepeta, what do trolls eat?"

"Well, grubs, mostly."

"...like the little worms?"

'Oh, no, not like Earth grubs. Big ones. We have farms full of them."

"Interesting. Grub-cattle. And cats?"

"What?"

"You seemed interested in my cat. Do you have them on Alternia?"

"We have clawbeasts, which are pretty similar, I think. Bigger sometimes. More mouths and teeth." Rose chuckled.

"I wouldn't like to see Jaspers with more teeth." The cat cocked its head and the two girls laughed. "Here we are," Rose said, gesturing toward the house.

"That's a big hive- er, house."

"Mom's been married a few times, and got a lot of money out of it." Nepeta frowned.

"Married?"

"Oh, sorry. Hmm... two people stay and live together?" Nepeta nodded slowly. "What about troll romance?" Nepeta's eyes gleamed and she had to stifle a grin.

"Oh, man, I love troll romamce. See, it's broken up into four parts..." They made their way inside as Nepeta gave a long-winded and detailed explanation of troll romance.

"Wow," Rose chuckled when Nepeta had finished. "Pretty interesting stuff."

"I like to- oh, nevermind..."

"What?"

"I write... stories, kind of. About my friends, and me..."

"Oh, I see. Love stories?" Nepeta scrunched up her face. "Sorry, red-romance stories?"

"Sometimes red-roms, sometimes black-roms, too."

"Kismesissitudes, am I correct? Such an interesting concept. Fueling one another's rage while also mating like lovers. Hmm."

"Humans don't have black-roms?" Nepeta asked.

"None they talk about openly," Rose said with a smile, leading Nepeta into the kitchen where Rose's mother was cooking, using wine in the cooking as frequently as she took long drinks from the bottle. "Mother, we have a guest for dinner." Her mother spun, appraising the troll. "Nepeta Leijon of Alternia."

"Nice to meet you, Nepeta," her mother replied curtly, returning to the meal.

"Smells like catfish," Rose smiled, making Nepeta pale.

"C-cat fish?"

"Not like real cats, don't worry. Just fish with whiskers." Rose put her hands up by her face to imitate whiskers. "You'll see. Shall I show you around?"

"Sure," Nepeta smiled, following Rose around the house as she showed her each room.

"And, finally, this is my room," Rose said, leading her inside.

"Your respite block," Nepeta said as she looked around.

"Indeed."

"A human bed," Nepeta chuckled, sitting on it.

"Funny?"

"We have recooperacoons. Big pods full of slime that makes us sleep."

"Interesting. Beds, however, are very comfortable. An advantage I highly doubt your recooperacoons can match." Rose paused. "May I ask a strange question?"

"Okay," Nepeta smiled.

"What is troll anatomy like?" Nepeta blushed.

"You mean like...?" Rose nodded. "Um, well... it's called a tentabulge..." Rose's eyebrow rose. "It has six tentacles and a nub in the center, as well as a small hole for genetic material..."

"And your... breasts?"

"My what?" Rose gestured toward her own breasts in demonstration. "Oh, those? It's a mutation. About half of all trolls have them."

"What about male trolls?"

"What do you mean?"

"Females have tentabulges, correct?"

"Oh, no, all trolls have tentabulges." Rose's eyebrows both raised.

"Very interesting. So boys can mate with boys and girls with girls?"

"Well yeah, of course," Nepeta laughed. "Humans... can't?" Rose shook her head.

"I can show you," Rose said slowly, a pink tinge creeping across her cheeks. Nepeta blinked.

"I-I- y-you don't have-"

"Please," Rose said, undressing. "It will be much simpler. See that drawer?" Nepeta nodded. "Open it please. The pink object." Nepeta complied, pulling out a long, tube-shaped object.

"This?"

"Indeed," Rose affirmed as she finished undressing. "That is a rather detailed replica of the male anatomy."

"O-oh!" Nepeta dropped it and Rose chuckled.

"Do not be alarmed. Look. Females have holes and males are designed to... fill these holes." Rose began to rube the tube against herself and moaned softly. "First we must... mmm... produce lubricative juices... like so..." She groaned and rubbed herself until she was thoroughly wet, her cheeks and chest flushed pink. "Then... you may... enter..." She pushed the thing into herself, groaning and wincing. "How... how about you?" she panted. "Can you show me?" Nepeta flushed dark olive and gulped, but nodded, stripping down, revealing her bulge. "Ohh, I see. May I?" Nepeta turned away and nodded.

Rose ran a finger along one of the tentacles, giving Nepeta a cool sensation and she shivered with a soft mewl. She leaned over, running her tongue over one, causing Nepeta to gasp and whine loudly. "Ooh, kitty likes that," Rose purred, eyes glazed and expression lusty. "And this nub?"

"N-no, wait-" Rose began to lick the nub, eliciting loud panting moans from the troll. Her olive juices were now spilling from her copiously.

"How much control do you have over your tentacles?" Rose asked suddenly.

"A-a lot?" She moved closer, spreading her legs.

"Can you try pushing them into me?" Nepeta froze, then blushed brightly, nodding slowly, pushing her hips forward to meet Rose's slit with her own well-lubricated bulge. She slid the tentacles inside easily and Rose moaned loudly, writhing against the troll. Rose wrapped her arms around Nepeta's ash-colored chest and Nepeta clung to Rose as well, both rocking against one another, panting and groaning, until Rose gasped and cried out, her pussy tightening around Nepeta's bulge as she too panted in orgasm. When their orgasming pleasure dimmed, then two blushed and quickly redressed.

"Thank you, Nepeta," Rose said softly, avoiding eye contact. "It was both enjoyable and educational."

"Y-yeah... it was..."

"Girls, dinner," Rose's mom called up the stairs.

"Coming," Rose answered. "Ready for dinner?" Nepeta smiled and nodded. Rose outstretched her hand and Nepeta took it as the two left to eat.

**I actually was surprised at myself for writing a Rose/Nepeta one, but I really like how it turned out. Plus, the two are cute together. On top of that, I'm writing a bit more graphic, like I used to, not as afraid of getting banned from Fanfiction for doing so. ^u^**

**I'm trying to update once every few days now, keeping some on back-order to bump my story up every few days. I even did a few requests you'll see soon! u_~**


	16. Chapter Fifteen: The Clown

**Chapter Fifteen**

_The Clown_

_Terezi Pyrope / Kurloz Makara_

"If I find that damn clown, I'll kill him," Terezi muttered, wandering about her treehive in the dream bubble. She frowned. "Something smells like... grapes?" She hissed. "Gamzee!" Slinking into the shadows, she moved silently and quickly, following the scent her mirthful kismesis was leaving behind. He was close. Very close. Not even taking to the airducts as he'd been so fond of lately.

"_honk_." Terezi paused. It sounded far off, and yet very near. Was her hearing going bad? Wouldn't that be the icing on the cake - a blind AND deaf troll. No... someone was coming. She hid, holding against the black licorice shadows.

"What got into Karkat?" a voice sounded, coming down the hallway. If not for the statement, she'd have mistaken in for Karkat in the first place, without his shouting. "Kurloz, what do you think?" Silence. She could hear rustling, like moving fingers, however. "Yes, I supose so. You- you don't think I triggered him, do you? Oh, my, if I've triggered poor Karkat-" More motions. "Yes, you're right. Thank you Kurloz. Hm? Oh, yes, of course. I can go on ahead. REmember not to be alone for too long. This meteor is home of some of our dancestors, and we haven't met them all yet; we don't know how to act to them. Don't trigger anyone, Kurloz!" With that, the Karkat dancestor passed.

"_honk_." Terezi held her breath, trying to avoid the strange troll. "_DO YOU HEAR ME, PYROPE? HONK." _She gritted her teeth. The voice was in her head, grating against her subconscious. "_SPEAK TO ME_."

"I... hear you..." she spat.

"_good. i hear you've been having a good black-rom with my dancestor buddy, gamzee_." She held her tongue. _"SPEAK!__" _

"Yes, yes!" she replied frantically. The voice reverberated in her head with pain, an echo that slammed her mind each time he spoke.

"_now you understand to speak before i raise my voice_."

"Yes," she muttered.

"_i want to see why my mutha fuckin messiah brother is so interested in you. do you understand?_" She didn't reply. She didn't want to.

"_DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?_"

"Yes, just stop!" she cried out. She could mentally feel his grin. As the Seer of Mind, hers was more susceptible to mental attacks. And this... Kurloz seemed more than adept in them.

"_on your knees_." She froze. "_do NOT make me yell_." Terezi growled, falling to her knees as she heard a zipper being undone. "_do it_." She hissed, but reached forward with her hand. She blushed - it was larger than she'd expected. She moved her hand up and down slowly, making the troll groan.

"_good..." _She took off her glasses and leaned forward, running her tongue over the tip before taking it into her mouth, sucking gently. "_ooh yeah, sister, keep like that..._" She felt his hands in her hair, pulling her down further, making her grimace as her lips slid down his shaft. She began to bob up and down of her own volition, using her hand to stroke the rest she couldn't fit into her mouth.

"_mmmhmmm_..." Kurloz groaned in her head. "_more_." He took her head and yanked, making her gag as his cock plunged into her throat, struggling against him. "_DONT. MOVE._" She cried out, his yelling and the loss of oxygen beginning to make her dizzy until finally he pulled out, making her gasp for breath. "_strip_." She hissed and growled. "_STRIP._" She found her body rebelling, obeying the commands his mind screamed into hers, rising to her feet and stripping off her clothing. First her shirt, revealing her bare ashen chest, nipples perky due to the meteor's chilly air, then her pants and teal panties, revealing the rest of her body._  
_

"_look at that. i can see why my dancestor likes you. not thin, but not fat._" Terezi bared her teeth. "_on your back girl._" She stood fast. "_ON. YOUR. BACK_." This time was worse than the last. It was as if she'd blacked out the few seconds it took to comply to his command. His control was getting stronger. Or her resistance was getting weaker. He straddled her chest, gripping her hair and yanking her forward, forcing her to take more of him into her mouth than before, gagging and coughing.

"_dont stop_," he growled into her mind, beginning to move quicker. He finally pulled out, slick with her saliva, and pushed her onto her side, pulling her legs apart and pushing into her roughly. She cried out loudly, the pain bringing a tear to her eye. The dream bubbles didn't work the same as reality - anyone not in the same "zone" (in this case the dark hallway) wouldn't hear her. They were completely and utterly alone. She whimpered and panted, her body beginning to heat up and respond to the troll's violent mating.

"_is the naughty pyrope girl getting wet?_" he asked with his skeletal grin. She didn't respond, and thankfully, he didn't demand an answer, only continued to please himself harder. She whimpered and cried out, attempting to hold back the gold feelings that bled through the pain into her body, twanging with heat and pleasure. Black-romance wasn't about happy lovemaking; it was carnal and violent. Kurloz seemed to understand this well.

"_ooh, yes, getting close..._" he continued to pound her harder, whimpers turning to full mewls of forced pleasure. Suddenly, he yanked out of her, grabbed her head and started forcing her up and down on him. "_you like this, don't you? you want it_?"

"_Yes, please,_" she groaned. She froze. Kurloz paused, then continued quicker.

"_don't talk_," he groaned. "_don't you ruin this._"

"_What?_" She didn't understand. _"Go away_."

"_stop it, pyrope_," he hissed. She felt the heat building up in him.

"_Go!_"

"_no!"_

"_GO AWAY!"_ The thought stunned her, befuddling her brain, her own thought amplified almost painfully. When she came to, she was alone, gasping for breath. She reached up to her face, grimacing at the cum that dripped down her cheeks. She paused, then listened for anyone else. Hearing no one, she quickly made away with it, swallowing what had gotten into her mouth, and the rest for good measure. She dressed quickly, pulling her dragon-costume hood over her head and skulked off into the dark.

Now, she hunted two clowns. Now she knew of one's weakness.

_**Semi-canon. I like the use of the God Tier aspects, and I feel that they haven't explored it nearly enough, so I let Terezi's "Seer of Mind' role come into play. Dunno why Kurloz has the crazy powerful mind abilities he does, but, you know. SEMI-canon. u_~**_


	17. Chapter Sixteen: KidNEPped

**Chapter Sixteen**

_Kid-nep-ed_

_Nepeta Leijon / Meulin Leijon_

Nepeta awoke slowly and drowsily. Her environment was dark and smelled sterile and unfamiliar.

"Hello?" she called out softly. Her senses slowly returned to her, and two cold sensations assaulted her at once. The first was the biting, metallic cold of the cuffs around her wrists and ankles and the slab she was cuffed to, and the second was the general draftiness of the room. It was too dark to see, but she gazed down at her bound body anyway, and could tell that she'd been stripped naked.

"Hello? Please, someone?" she yelled into the darkness. Her head rolled from side to side, searching for help or an exit; any sign of hope.

Instead, deep in the darkness, she saw a pair of familiar eyes, pupils rimmed with irises of olive green, glazed over with a distant look, as if possessed.

"H… hello?" Nepeta called softly. The eyes turned to the side, a cocked head. They were studying her. "Can… can you hear me?" A dim bulb flickered to life above Nepeta, illuminating the slab she was bound to, and a small circle of light around it. The figure holding the eyes stepped into the light, and Nepeta's eyes scanned over a nude version of herself, sweeps older than she was currently.

"Who… are you?" The older troll's fingers flitted an obscure pattern of symbols. "I don't… I don't understand." The troll repeated the symbols harder, as if to annunciate more clearly. Nepeta, however, just shook her head. The older troll scowled, teeth bared.

She climbed lithely onto the table, running her fingers over Nepeta's lightly scarred grey skin. She bit back a few moans as the troll's fingertips brushed over several erogenous areas, and when she looked to the older troll's face, she was met with a fierce smile as she pushed two fingers into Nepeta's pussy. She cried out, fists clenching and unclenching at the motion, head tossed to the side. The older troll simply gave a light giggle before continuing to finger deeper, increasing the tempo slightly.

Before long, the young troll was sopping with olive-colored juices and biting her lip hard as the her elder smiled deviously, lowering her mouth to Nepeta's stomach, kissing lightly before biting hard, eliciting a loud yell from the bound troll. She did this several times, each time lower and each kiss met with a more tense and bated breath, waiting for the sharp teeth. Nepeta found herself almost unable to breathe as the older troll, with agonizing slowness, kissed her pelvis, and then moved to plant a soft kiss on Nepeta's smooth mound. Her knuckles were white as her body tensed, ready for the inevitable bite, but instead found the older troll's tongue deep inside.

Nepeta yelled out loudly, squirming against the restraints, both in fear and primal pleasure. The older troll simply smirked, working Nepeta with her tongue and fingers, moving faster and harder as Nepeta slowly lost herself to the sensation, her breath turning from quick, panicked bursts to long, breathy moans.

The older smiled, maneuvering herself around to straddle Nepeta's head, catching the young troll's head beneath her thighs. Nepeta whined a soft protest, but the older olive-blood silenced it quickly by grinding down against her. Nepeta groaned softly, complying with her captor by burying her tongue deep into the older troll's snatch, receiving a cooing growl from the troll on top in return, making her grind harder, reaching back to take Nepeta by the hair and yank hard. The young olive-blood yelped in pain, but complied, burying her face deeper into the adolescent, hoping to get more pleasure and – against what she told herself – she rather enjoyed the taste of the older troll's juices.

After a bit longer, the older troll got off, Nepeta now whining from the lack of juices instead of in protest to them. The older troll chuckled for a moment before fastening a device around her waist. Nepeta frowned, attempting to make it out in the low light.

The older troll smiled devilishly and climbed on top once more, this time face-to-face with Nepeta. Nepeta's eyes found the others. They were so similar, just older. "_Meulin_", she thought. An invasive thought, not her own. "_Meulin Leijon_." The Meulin troll kissed Nepeta hard, tongues swirling around in one another's mouths as Meulin's fingers curled into her younger dancestor's hair. Slowly, her free hand reached down, stroking Nepeta gently, eliciting light moans as the lithe fingers rubbed at the young troll's clit and spread her gently. Nepeta's eyes flicked open when she felt something larger.

"W-wait-" she began as Meulin grinned evilly, thrusting forward hard with her hips. Nepeta's vision flooded olive-green and her senses popped for a moment. When she regained tem, she heard a loud, moaning scream. After a moment, she recognized the voice as her own and quieted it down to an agonizingly pleased yell.

Meulin started slow, pumping in and out with the thick strap-on as Nepeta yanked and pulled at her restraints, feeling it begin to cut into her wrists. Meulin threw her head back like an animal in heat, however, oblivious or uncaring to Nepeta's protest. Suddenly, the strap-on slid deeper and something inside Nepeta shifted from agonizing pain to mind-numbing pleasure. Nepeta's vision sparked and fizzed as her hips pumped up to meet her dancestor's again and again. Meulin grinned deviously, pounding harder, faster.

Time seemed to drag on and speed up, expanding and contracting wildly and randomly until finally it began to spin and wind tighter. Nepeta felt the time between her body's spasms shorten; her moans were louder and longer. Meulin noticed too, responding in turn with harder thrusts and a fierce grip, growling as she pounded the young troll.

"P-please!" Nepeta yelled, unsure if she was begging her captor or her own body, unable to hold it in any longer. Inside her, the heat blossomed and exploded, her every pore seeming to tingle with electric pleasure as she bucked hard, pouring her genetic fluids out onto the slab as she shook like a thing possessed. Meulin's thrusts slowed and she smiled, bringing the strap-on to an exhausted Nepeta's lips, happily cleaning the tool dry before letting her head fall against the metal slab with a bang.

Meulin touched two fingers to her dancestor's forehead. "Again – soon" Nepeta nodded hard and Meulin melted back into the shadows once more.

**This is the first of several requests I'm doing, since I've found I'm backlogged about 10-13 of them? So expect to see more in the next few days! I'm also doing some that aren't on the "official" listing in the first chapter directory.**

**This one, sadly, goes out to an anonymous requester, but a requester nonetheless!**

**ALSO, if you have Pesterchum, I'm online quite a bit and feel free to pester me! The chumhandle is "realityEngineer". Actually, I encourage you to pester me! I'm pretty open and happy to talk to whoever. **


	18. Chapter Seventeen: Extended Relaxation

**Chapter Seventeen**

_Extended Relaxation_

_Dirk Strider / Jane Crocker_

**Crossover disclaimer: The entirety of the Grand Shipping Challenge isn't a crossover, but this chapter is. Hope you don't mind! uwu**

You pant softly, kneeling to wipe the sweat from your brow, deciding it time for a rest. Crawling through air ducts wouldn't be considered your favorite past-time, and while no one would say you were overweight, no one would say you were healthy and in shape either.

Though, one could argue no one would say anything to you at all anymore. As far as you could tell over the past few weeks, you were absolutely, one hundred percent alone in the facility.

"_Oh, Jane, your mother called,_" an empty voice echoed through the halls below. "_She really wants you to come out now. She says she misses you._" Well. Almost alone.

You tighten the knot around your waist and heft the device on your arm as you continue through the ducts, grateful at least that these weren't monitored like nearly everywhere else. You smile as you pass a familiar sign - graffiti of a slice of cake in black paint. At least, you try to tell yourself it isn't dried blood.

You follow the scrawled arrows until you reach a kicked-in ventilation shaft, peering into the room below. The camera's light is orange and blinking - offline. You glance over at the dehydrated food dispenser and take a deep breath. You heft the device before you, getting a clear shot, firing quickly twice, once directly below you, and another near the machine against the wall. You drop from the shaft, falling through the hole in space-time, appearing near the dispenser, jamming the buttons quickly, eyes on the camera. The orange blinking begins to slow, and you know it's only a matter of time.

The dispenser pings loudly, the camera's light dimming to an ominous red as it recognizes the sound.

"_There you are, Jane._" Suddenly, her portals fizzle out. "_I've learned some new tricks while you've been up in the ducts._" Two portals - red and orange instead of her typical blue and purple - appear on the walls of the room, two bulbous, white objects appearing through them, a dim red light on the front.

"Fuck..." You scoop up the dehydrated food packets, shoving them into your jumpsuit and fire your portal gun. _Click, click_. "Fuck!" You begin at a dead sprint as the bulbous objects open at the sides, twin machine guns opening and taking aim.

"_Target acquired,_" they note, simultaneously. You pant and barrel through the cafeteria door into the hallway as the door is ripped to shreds under a hailstorm of bullets.

"_Please stay still, Jane._" She ignored the cold voice, running through the halls, drawing in ragged breaths. She had only a few moments until more turrets were dispensed. "_Stop, right now,_" the female voice demanded over the intercom. "_You aren't going the right way, you know. I can show you the way out._" Jane slowed and frowned. The voice was getting... fainter. She took a look around to find that the walls were decrepit and dirty. Her portal gun whirred to life once more.

She had no control here.

Leisurely, she ignored the incessant demands to turn back, strolling through the new, empty corridors where the air ducts didn't reach. Where GLaDOS couldn't hurt her anymore. She sat down in a hallway, smiling to herself and resting her head against the wall behind her.

"Safe..." she whispered softly. "Safe... I'm safe."

"No," a whisper replied, Jane's eyes flicking open. "It's not safe anywhere." She scanned the darkness of the corridor for the voice.

"Where are you?" she demanded, hefting her gun. "I'm armed! Show yourself!" The voice chuckled.

"Aperture doesn't manufacture weapons. Well, not anymore."

"Come out now!" In the darkness, twin triangles lit up with red.

"You're never safe." The triangles dimmed to darkness.

"W-wait! Come back!" She shot a portal behind her, into an area with light, firing another straight ahead, the light illuminating the empty hallway. She sprinted forward, into the darkness, blindly groping through empty corridors and echoing hallways until finally she felt something... spongy underfoot. She knelt, running her fingers along the ground.

"Vegetation..." she whispered excitedly. "The outside." She stood. "I'm almost out." She laughed out loud, running forward toward a door, outlined in light. "I'm almost out! I'm almost-!" She threw open the door, catching herself just barely against the door frame, the world in front of her dropping into nothingness. A room of indescribable size rose in front of her, full of huge, marked crates being shipped to and fro via magnetic rails. "Wh... what..." Suddenly, as she watched, a figure, dressed very similarly to her, although his jumpsuit was orange, not blue, swung along the rails, his portal gun latched onto it, glowing brightly. He grinned smugly behind a pair of triangular sunglasses - the same shape she'd seen before.

"Come after me," he called as he swooped by. She blinked, then raised her gun to the rail, pressing the button to pick up an object. Suddenly, the force yanked her forward onto the rail and she was zipping along behind the boy. Her breath left her and came back in full force as she arced and looped, the magnetic rails sometimes making figures that didn't even making sense for shipping purposes. Finally, she glanced over, the boy standing on one of the crates, arm outstretched. She reached out and took it, her portal gun lurching forward, almost dislocating her arm before she shut it off, the boy swinging her inside.

"Damnit," she swore, throwing her gun to the ground as she rolled her arm in its socket.

"Are you okay?" he asked, tossing his aside as well and moving forward.

"I'm fine," she replied, recoiling away from him. "I'm fine." He frowned, taking a step back and nodding.

"I'm Dirk," he said as he picked up his gun and moved through the room. She picked hers up and looked around, finding an odd bedroom-apartment within the box.

"What is this place?"

"The computers call it an 'Extended Relaxation Chamber'. Some kind of stasis, I guess." She nodded, setting her gun down and sitting on the bed. "I woke up in one of these. Some are empty, some have people in them." She looked at him.

"Other living people?"

"Yeah. Like us. But I can't wake them up - only the computer can. I was woken up because of an error." Jane nodded. "What's your story?"

"I... don't know. I woke up in the testing facility." His eyes widened.

"That deathtrap with the AI? Christ, how'd you survive?" She smiled, patting her portal gun. "Using their own weapons against them. Nice." He sat beside her. "Let me see your arm." She hesitated, then sighed, slipping the portal gun off her arm and stretching it out for his examination. He turned it over, then back again. "Hm."

"Hm?"

"It's a nice arm." She blinked, then blushed, pulling away. She glanced over at him and he took off his glasses, locking gaze with her. Her breath caught in her throat, his eyes a deep orange, like his jumpsuit.

"I- I-" she stammered, unable to compile the emotions roiling in her mind into words. He set his glasses next to his gun, moving forward and cupping her face. "Y-you're taller than me," she sputtered. _Idiot, _she cursed herself. _You're taller than me? That's all you've got?_

"Yeah," he replied with a smirk, kissing her softly. She melted into the kiss, something inside her igniting. Before Aperture, she wasn't exactly a social goddess, but after having been confined to the dull, matte white walls and the same grating voice of GLaDOS for months, the touch of another person was intoxicating. His hands moved to her waist and she tore her jumpsuit off from around it, lying back and pulling him with her. She could tell he felt it too.

Their lips meshed and she panted softly as his hands roamed her body. She craned her head back, his lips kissing and nipping along her neck. She'd never gone further than kissing with a boy, and now she wanted nothing more than the boy she'd met for not even an hour to take her. Suddenly, he pulled back, panting softly as he held himself above her, looking into her eyes.

"Is this- I mean, are you- Is this okay?" he asked softly. Her eyes grazed over his face, the soft spattering of freckles across his nose, his red-blonde hair, his focused and intense eyes, before reaching down, pulling his shirt over his head.

"Yes," she whispered in reply. He swallowed and nodded, pulling off her shirt, kissing down her bare chest as her fingers threaded through his hair. His lips and teeth played with her chest, licking softly and nibbling her nipples as he made his way back up to her lips, the kissing now more intense. She wiggled down, kissing his chest in turn and unfastening his pants as she kissed down his sides and mostly-flat stomach. He ran his fingers through her hair before grabbing her by the waist and throwing her up onto the bed.

She gasped as he tore at her pants like an animal, pulling them down past her legs and panting atop her, both panting, nude, for the first time in a long while. He finally met her gaze and kissed her softly, feeling her moan into his mouth at the kiss, then louder as he slowly pushed himself deep inside. She cried out, fingers digging into his back, toes curling in pleasure, both groaning and gasping until he had settled all the way inside her, hanging his head and panting from exertion.

"You... alright...?" she panted. His hand whipped up, gripping her hair and tugging, making her cry out, his other hand moving to her waist as he began to pump slowly. Her eyes rolled back, panting as she let him move, firmly and steadily thrusting deep inside her, filling her very being as her body tingled in excitement. She held him steady with one hand, the other moving to her breast, tweaking her nipple and arching her back into him as he pumped.

He grunted, pumping deep and hard, an animal caged for far too long, groaning as he slid in deep.

"S-so tight..." he muttered softly. She just swallowed and nodded as he continued harder, her hair splayed out on the pillow behind her. He gripped her hips and pumped harder, thumb moving to her clit, rubbing circles and making her yell and writhe. "I'm getting close..." he groaned. Her eyes fluttered about his body, suddenly very acute to every sensation. She could feel his chest as it rose and fell, the sweat from his brow as it dripped onto her chest, and his thick member expanding within her, threatening to rip her apart.

"Please," she whined, as her own body began to sear with pleasure, nearing her own peak. "Do it..." He met her eyes and cried out, pumping in deep a few times before yelling out loudly, her own vision going white as she screamed.

As the white faded, her sweat dripping from her brow, she looked around. She was inside a frosted glass capsule, her jumpsuit fastened tightly around her. What was going on? She looked around, beginning to hyperventilate.

"_Thank you for assuming the Party Escort Submission Position,_" a mechanical voice droned as the capsule began flooding with a light green gas. She coughed and struggled, but couldn't move, her consciousness fading away quickly, until nothing remained.

**Sorry I've been so busy lately! I love Dirk/Jane and I think the term "Portalshipping" was cute - due to their colors being the colors of the portal gun in Valve's "Portal" (if you didn't catch the crossover reference) - so, I wrote this!**

**I feel like it wasn't up to par with some of my other stuff, but I'm going to try to gain some momentum and get back into the spirit of smut! uwu**


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